lamf

shattered glass

2006-12-28T06:46:00.000-05:00

i think i've been a crackhead for long enough now and today is the comedown.

i don't know how to better describe the feeling. but it isn't good. oh well. i guess it happens once in a while.

maybe i'm just a little stressed and i want to go back indiana and relax a bit. it really has become home to me.

We Have No Place To Go

2006-12-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

Feelings are weird. Hm. I thought about deleting some of my old posts because, at this point in my life, I find them downright embarrassing. But I decided against it because I feel like I'm already too much of a reserved and passive person and, as silly as it sounds, this blog seems to be the only real outlet for certain kinds of expression. That's something I need to hold on to. And build upon, I suppose.

Why Am I Awake This Early?

2006-12-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

Lately listening to or watching anything even remotely sad has me on the verge of tears. I've really had to control myself. Last night Glynis used a bunch of words to describe my personality and the only one I agreed with completely was sensitive. Extremely sensitive at that. Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I could be more of a "man" about things but gender roles in general seem to evade me. But it's how I am and I've grown accept it and, I guess, even like it.

Music: Jesu - Walk on Water

Humor

2006-12-07T01:16:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about how funny it is that I've changed (improved?) so much over the past couple months. There's so much more clarity in my life yet the confusion still lingers and the strangeness of reality has become almost mesmerizing. More than ever, I'm detaching myself from reality and I don't quite understand how it's or what is happening. But it's a good thing...I hope.

Reading some of the old posts on this blog make me realize how upset and misguided I'd been before and I suppose at this point I should be happy about the progress I've made. If not anything else, happiness has become less evasive. Now the next step is continuing to progress and completely understand life for what it is.

One thing that frustrates me is that I might be too passive. There's so much I want to say but it's becoming exceedingly difficult to express myself...

Well, I understand I'm being vague. but this is the best that I can do.

Here are two quotes I find very relevant to my life at the moment.

"You can laugh. It's kind of funny. Things you think at times like these." - Tori Amos

"There's no point to look behind us. We left the corpse behind. Because flesh is weak and forms break down. They cannot last forever." - Shackleton

Where is Home?

2006-11-23T20:54:00.000-05:00

I'm upset/depressed/pissed off for the first time in a week. Or over a week. I don't know. Ever thought about how certain songs can be streamlined into a particular mood? Yeah, well right now I'm Chrome Bitch by Zeromancer.

countrproductiv6
8:30
ugh
8:30
new york is making feel so depressed

blinded220
8:30
really?
8:30
why

countrproductiv6
8:30
i've just been laying in bed all day
8:30
i dunno
8:31
i think it might be that i'm associating a lot of bad memories with this place

blinded220
8:31
what kind?
8:31
girls/family/friends?

countrproductiv6
8:32
a bit of everything really
8:33
i've been relatively happy at school and this is my first time home in three months so i guess coming back was a bit of a shock

blinded22
8:34
oh i thought you were homesick and thrilled to be going back honestly

countrproductiv6
8:34
no, i actually didn't know how i felt about going home
8:38
but i definitely was not homesick

blinded220
8:38
is it at least nice to see your family?

countrproductiv6
8:39
yeah
8:39
and friends
8:39
but there's something about this place that doesn't sit well with me
8:39
it's weird because this is how i used to feel about school
8:39
and i loved going home

Well there you have it. I can't wait til I go back to school...I have no idea how I'm gonna manage for another couple days in this city. I think it's kind of funny. Whoever thought my pro-New York elitism would be washed away by West Lafayette, Indiana of all places?

0. NAKUL IS A GODDAMN RETARD

2006-11-23T03:28:00.000-05:00

Important facts about Nakul...

1. He is drunk.
2. Quite drunk, at that.
3. Fuck speaking in third person.
4. I think I've become absolutely sick of what society wants/expects me to be. Not to sound cliched or anything. Haaaaa.
5. So aparrently I'm failing out of school. I guess.
6. I've figured out not to be so hateful. Don't know how I pulled this one off.
7. I've been thinking in a very abstract sense. I mean, seeing shit with a kind of a so-called "unusual" perspective or something. But that's okay. I'm not trying to sound modest or anything. And I'm certainly not trying to sound like a pretentious dick. Because we all know modesty is only a form of prentention. Strange, right? I think so...
8. Anyway, I've realized that all I care about is truth and love. That's all I have to say really.

-(excitement)

2006-09-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

Ya know what? I really should start writing in this motherfucker again. But, apparently, I never have anything interesting to say anymore. I suppose life's just that boring.

Oh yeah. I have lung cancer.
Not really. But I like pretending I do.

I saw this crazy jackass walkin around by PUSH today yellin about god and stuff. He was wearin this stupid red t-shirt with "NO HOMOS GO TO HEAVEN" in unbearably gigantic lettering. If I wasn't feelin as sick as I was, I woulda smacked the bitch. It was the perfect oppurtunity for some goddamn vigilante justice but I let my dumb little personal ailments get in the way. Well, next time he won't be so lucky. I'm not really too big on the whole violence thing but some dickheads really have it coming.

In completely unrelated news, as hard as I tried not to, I ended up buying something at Von's. I got this ill ass Siouxsie (as in Siouxsie and the Banshees, idiot) poster. She's bein a creepy goth and starin into the camera all weird. And lookin quite attractive at that. But then I hear I have the worst/most retarded taste in women ever.
I also bought a Beastie Boys tour poster (touring w/ A Tribe Called Quest and the Invisibl Skratch Piklz). It's pretty raw cuz it's got the Beasties in the form of a three headed baby layin (with the weewee hangin out and everything) in front of some weird ass alien chick.

And one more infinitely important thing you guys should know. I was walkin through Wetherill this morning and I saw some dorky lookin chick with a Hogwarts track jacket on. MOTHERFUCKIN HOGWARTS. I didn't get a look at her face but I was like wow, I'd so do her. I'm not even a major Harry Potter dork or anything but there's something inherently cool about rockin a Hogwarts jacket. Goddamn.

Music: Ministry - Faith Collapsing

Crazy Shit

2006-06-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

I went down by the river to give myself cancer and I saw a couple sitting on a bench...HAVIN SEX!

YEAH. What a good story.

Music: Loefah & Skream - 28g

A Faggot Inside

2006-06-24T00:23:00.000-04:00

Check this AFI-inspired alcoholism song I wrote.

Drink beer
Drink whiskey
Drink rum
Drink cum
Through our puking
We are one!

Yeah. I know. I kick faces.

Today's AFI show was ill as hell and they played more old songs buuuut the set list was a little too similar to last night's. I'd love to hear Lost Souls or A Story at Three live.

But, lucky for you worthless scumbags, we took pictures tonight.

Riiiiight here...

And we also took a video...

Y'all Niggas Wanna Be Killas?!

2006-06-23T03:47:00.000-04:00

"When you're mossed upon a star."

That's a lyric from Love Like Winter off AFI's new album.

Nah, not really. I have no idea what he's really saying but that's exactly what it sounds like.

Anyway we saw them and Dillinger Escape Plan tonight at the Roseland Ballroom. Both bands kicked a ton of dicks but AFI played too much of their new shit. I guess they'll play more of their older stuff tomorrow++.

Oh yeah, some dickhead machine of a band called Nightmare of You also played. But, lucky for me, I didn't catch a single second of their set. What a bunch of shitheads. The singer walked up to me after the show and he was like, "Hey Nakul, I love the dick and I'm really good at shoving my head up my ass." And then he started twerkin out and punchin himself in the head. Who does shit like that? Mr. Useless Nightmare of You Twat, that's who.

Cuz now you on the floor
wishin you never saw
me walk through that door
with that four-four

and also

so until the next time
you hear this nigga rhyme
ya gotta keep your mind
on gettin pussy and crime

DMX! What a genius. He also has this fantastic line that's escaping my brain cells at the moment. It's about him gettin blood on his dick or somethin. Faaaaaaaaaantastic.

And by the way. Exciting news time.

1. My consecutive concert streak gets extended to four nights. I'm seein Jay-Z on Sunday! $180 tickets. WHAT?! YOU PAID THAT MUCH FOR TICKETS?! Nope. $180 tickets for free. Listen carefully next time, idiot.

2. I'm not gettin a first car. I'm gettin a first motorcycle. YEAH. Not a harley though. Those look kinda gay. Would you really want to be caught riding a slightly crooked lookin penis? No. So fuck Harleys. I'm gonna get me a badass lil Jap sports bike. A Yamaha, most likely.

Music: NOT TELLING

I Like the Taste of Mono

2006-06-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

HEY...

FUCK YOU.

Nah, really though, I went to a show in Brooklyn on Monday night. Mono, Ocean, and some Japanese dude who makes noise.

The noise guy was interesting (and he gave me a cigarette after the show...ya know, the kind you roll yourself) and set the right kind of ambience for the night.

Ocean are this awesome doom metal band. They played like one 40-minute song and, yep, they destroyed shit.

Mono destroyed shit too. But even better. That's all you need to know.

Oh yeah, we saw Christian and Fat Dave at the show. Nearly ruined my night. My god, Dave is annoying.

But that's alright. Because the night was excellently retarded. ESPECIALLY the shit that went down in the subway after. I hope Cummy gets the video up soon. Truly classic shit.

Music: Plasticman - Unhappy Shopper

I Like to Smoke Crack

2006-06-15T00:57:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention it in my last post but we saw Andrew's graffiti in the city. What're the odds of that happening? His "Dank 1" tag was gracing the (so goddamn filthy) walls of a parking lot. Romi took a picture of it with his phone. I would've done the same but my bladder was full and I had to release it on a nearby truck.

In other equally retarded news, the convenience store dude who always talks to me told me that my necklace was cute. How gay/creepy is that?

dale dynamite (12:05:19 AM): i wanna ask my mom if we can make pina coladas on graduaiton.
dale dynamite (12:06:44 AM): cause it'll be like this
dale dynamite (12:06:51 AM): MOM CAN WE MAKE PINA COLADAS
dale dynamite (12:06:59 AM): SURE DALE
dale dynamite (12:07:03 AM): MOM CAN NAKUL COME?
dale dynamite (12:07:11 AM): DALE ITS DRINKING OR NAKUL NOT BOTH
dale dynamite (12:07:12 AM): lol
boy wit the fire (12:07:30 AM): i'm healthier than drinking!
boy wit the fire (12:07:34 AM): i think

phil0surfer (12:51:20 AM): work early in the morning
phil0surfer (12:51:27 AM): = gay
boy wit the fire (12:51:42 AM): gay++
phil0surfer (12:51:47 AM): more like
phil0surfer (12:51:51 AM): gay load discharged in your face

Boy oh boy.

Oh yeah...it's so rare that I actually find a review of an album that nails it on the head. Step 1: listen to Burial's new album. Step 2: read this review. Step 3: Ya gotta be like, "Wow, he's so right!"

Music: Burial - Southern Comfort

Squeeze Some Triggers!

2006-06-12T01:01:00.000-04:00

I'm drinkin now cuz I can and it's almost bedtime but I had an adventurous little day in the city with Romi, Tippy, Nan, Heather, Rob, Frank, and Alli. It was cool finally chillin in the city for once buuuuuut we walked around EVERYWHERE AND MY LEGS ARE DEAD.

I wanted to buy a turtle (I wasn't the only one who wanted one!) over by Canal St. but they were too expensive and no one wanted to split one with me.

Work restarts tomorrow. SCORE.

Plus I'm gonna watch X3 with my cousin after work. I really wanna see it...it's gonna kick dicks.

I think I'm goin to Six Flags later this week. SCORE +2.

Words that rhyme with orange?

Binge and syringe! Yeah!

And some people just don't know when to quit. Tsk tsk. Annoys the hell out of me. Get your grimey little ass up and walk the fuck away. =)

Yeah, the summer's been great so far but it could get a teeeeeny bit awesomer. I'm tellin you. The end of this month. That's when the real shit's gonna start.

I'll be seein AFI (twice!) and Front Line Assembly around then as well. Yeaaaaah.

Music: Geiom - Overnight Biscuits

I Kick Your Ass

2006-05-24T23:25:00.000-04:00

I edited the goddamn post. Read it again or I'll kill you.

I had fun the past couple days. I'm gonna attempt to list whatever was noteworthy in chronological order. Go die.

- I SAW KJELGREN. Too bad I forgot to yell KAJELGREEEEEEEEEEEEEN when I saw her. FUCK.
- Got free shit from Starbucks. I'm that badass.
- Hung out with Dale and Cumbucket outside of her house for a little while. We talked about the good times back in the day with the best being Dale's...uhh...escapades.
- I ate a banana.
- It was a tasty banana. Fuck you.
- Cummy has these annoying ass birds that can't stop chirpin their heads off. Woke me up at like seven am.
- Found myself in Carle Place High School for a bit. That was weird.
- We avoided the high school at first. Hit up Barnes & Nobles and looked at the most retarded magazines with Kristina.
- Loren picked my ass up from CP and while we were drivin back to Huntington, his exhaust pipe blew out a cloud of white smoke blinding and filthying up every car behind him. It KICKED ASS.
- I smoked for the first time in forever o'clock and I actually enjoyed my high.
- Met up with Lizzy and her friend at the mall. Lizzy had to buy a gay ass dress or somethin.
- Aparrently there was some stupid thing goin on at the mall and the chick workin it asked me if I was interested in bein a model. I said, "No." So I get this question on a monthly basis now? Fuck that. Not gonna bother with that gay ass shit.
- Also met up with Jeff a little later at the mall. We walked around the food court a bunch of times beggin for free samples. We're such scumbags.
- We played soccer for like ten minutes back in Hton. I hate fuckin soccer.
- So I suggested we play basketball and people liked the idea. We ended up doin that for the next 943857927893047 hours. My body's still sore as FUCK. Doesn't matter though, it was fun (even though I'm sure we looked like the biggest assholes to ever set foot on a basketball court).
- Saw Nan and Jess for the fist time since last summer. That was awesome.
- Oh yeah, SHELLIE SHOWED UP TOO. Hadn't seen her in like 78 years.
- Sean noticed how I raise my eyebrows during conversation. He says it looks like I'm "implying something." Don't you love my mannerisms?
- On a final note, I was talkin to Loren and we both decided it's a good idea to discipline kids. Didn't do the laundry? Bad report card? GIVE ME 20 LAPS. But Daaad...shut the fuck up kid, GIVE ME 40.

Music: Swans - The Most Unfortunate Lie

In the Summer Rain, We Burned Away

2006-05-21T00:29:00.000-04:00

I made a post on my Myspace blog which went something like "blah blah blah my life sucks and I wanna give up, etc." A couple hours later, I figured I was being a fuckhead so I followed it up with this message by the way of a blog entry that I felt I had to get out loud and clear...

Come on now, would you really expect me to give up so quickly? No fucking way. Ignore the post below.

I mean what the hell...I'm so much better than that shit. I'm undoubtably one of the most intelligent people I've encountered and, as odd as it is, for about half the week I look absolutely fuckin stunning and for the other half I look average. That's bothersome but, don't worry, that little problem will be fixed real soon and I hope to find the consistency I'm lookin for. It'll enable me to move at full-force - something I haven't done in fuck knows how long. If people can't "get" me, fuck em. Not worth my time.

So basically, as long as I can control my psychotic critical psychoanalytical mindfuck of a head, I'm unfuckwithable. I get too careful and observant sometimes.

And finally, I'm sick of patience and my half assed morals (which somehow manage to constantly screw me over). Fuck that, I don't wanna be perfect anymore. I'm not gonna be patient. I'm gonna take what I want and do whatever the fuck I please. Sometime ago, I was willing to submit myself to anyone who could control me. Fuck that as well. I don't want it. I'll do what I want with myself.

Also, I absolutely cannot understate my thanks to you for pushing me in this direction!

Fuck off please.

Minus the sarcasm - thanks to anyone who had an open ear. Much appreciated.

Music: AFI - Affliction

Nighttime Birds

2006-05-20T01:33:00.000-04:00

Trish kicks your ass.

dr0pthecliche (1:28:32 AM): i had a dream earlier with doug in it. we were running from werewolves [they're in my dreams too much] and i couldn't run fast enough... so the whole scene went from a school to grocery store and i jumped in a shopping cart and then we hid in the bathroom here at my house? then he turned into one
dr0pthecliche (1:28:49 AM): and he was chasing me around a huge floating cushion

Music: Digital Mystikz - Jah Fire

Feel it Flow

2006-05-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

I wasn't feelin so great just sittin here so I was like fuck it I'll go take a walk. I went down to third ave. to pick up something to eat and I walked down to the river and chilled there for a bit. It had to've been one of the most euphoric things I'd ever experienced. It's strange/wonderful how the little things can make me feel so good. Of course, music played a big role in this as I listened to these songs in this particular order during my little outing:

Some song by Cephalic Carnage
Daft Punk - Superheroes
Blur - Girls & Boys
Ultramagnetic MC's - Ease Back
Opeth - Demon of The Fall

When I got my ass back up to my apartment I looked in the mirror by my door and I was like damn. In a good way, of course. I'm not proud of it but I'm a victim of vanity and this only heightened the experience.

Now I'm headed out to dinner (El Rio Grande, I believe). Nice.

Force

2006-05-07T05:16:00.000-04:00

I had a really fun night (party and all that shit) but the minute I got home (I fell asleep on the train which put a stopper on its first part and entirely changed the complexion of the night) I fell into a reasonably foul mood. I suddenly started thinking of the degeneration of people and modern society in general. It's more than a little annoying. The fact that I have to live in this depraved mess of a world completely throws me off. It's unfortunate, really.

Music: Truly Underground (Greg's hip-hop/punk rock band)

Playgrounds

2006-05-03T19:01:00.000-04:00

Percs + Friends + Whiffleball + Basketball = Good times.

Honestly, it made me feel like a kid again.

Basketball game again Sunday evening? I hope so.

Music: Mobb Deep - Cradle To The Grave

Good Luck Defining Nostalgia

2006-04-30T01:30:00.000-04:00

I'm listenin to Darkthrone's cover of the Siouxsie & The Banshees song "Love in a Void." This is SICK. Smart lyrics too...

Too many fools blocking my motion
Clouding my eyes - must be the potion
Spots on my eyes - must be the lotion
Love in a void - it's so numb
A void in love - it's so dumb
Love in a void

Too many bigots for my liking
Too many critics - too few writing
Rabid dogs that just ain't bitin
Rabid dogs that just ain't bitin
Love in a void - it's so numb
A void in love - it's so dumb
Love in a void

Jaded reputation on which you're staking
Lots of money for the making
For all the stars they're just faking
Love in a void - it's so numb
A void in love - it's so dumb
Love in a void

Music = Life = Poetry

2006-04-28T00:16:00.000-04:00

Honestly, this is some of the best art I've ever seen. They're covers of LP's by Various Productions.

Images courtesy of Woebot.

Scroll down.

Some more.

Come on, we're almost there.

Yeah baby. Here we go.

It's sickening how beautiful this is.

But at the other end of the spectrum we have Riot Porn. At the very least, it's excellent and thought provoking photography. And no, it isn't really "porn."

Hey, my life's at a weird in-between point right now. It's not bad or good. It's just...weird. Hopefully, it'll work out poetic. Poetic you say? Yeah, baby. I need my life to move seamlessly and hit its peaks and valleys with the beauty of poetry. So far, I think it's worked out perfectly in that sense. But the in-between transitional period signifies the end of a chapter and this a problem because I haven't found a satisfactory ending. So far, the lack of sensible dramatics as we near the end is fairly disappointing.

Now, you gotta download this shit because it's the music I'm feelin at the moment and my taste is impeccable. You really don't need another reason.

Federation - The Album
Three words: Rick Rock beats. That's all I need to say.

TI - King
It's a little too long (75 minutes I think) but eliminate the slower tracks from the album and you have some really raw shit right here. King Back is the funkiest hip-hop track I've heard in a while and What You Know is the single of the year. What? It's only April. Yeah, I know. Fuck you. Oh yeah, I'm also gay for TI's voice.

Ghostface Killah - Fishscale
Shakey Dog is downright murderous. And really, this album couldn't have come at a better time. There really seems to be lack of great east coast records lately but this is more than sufficient as a quick fix. Early album of the year contender.

Juvenile - Reality Check
Bluesiest voice ever. And this is his best album to date. Seriously strong.

AFI - A Single Second
I'd completely forgotten how good old AFI was until I was listenin to one of my sister's mix CD's in the car. This song came on and it hit all the right spots. Perfect.

The Wipers - their first three albums
Most underrated band of the 80's? Undoubtably. Greg Sage was a kick ass guitarist and, seriously, I think this was Nirvana about ten years before Nirvana actually happened. I'm not saying the Wipers are better or worse than Nirvana but the comparison is definitely warranted.

Minor Threat - Complete Discography
Fast. Loud. Angry. No band did it better than Minor Threat.

Digital Mystikz - Haunted/Anti-War Dub (DMZ007)
These guys just don't stop dropping quality tracks. Good vibes all around.

I'm bored now. Sooo fuck y'all.

Beat on the Brat with a Baseball Bat. Oh yeah.

2006-04-23T16:00:00.001-04:00

Time for me to be a gay sports fag.

What should the Jets do with their first three picks? The #4 pick...if D'Brickshaw Ferguson (OT) doesn't drop, trade down. The #29 pick...draft running backs Laurence Maroney or Deangelo Williams if they drop. Otherwise go for the best guard or center available. And the #35 pick...best defensive player available. Preferably at LB or D-line (a nose tackle maybe?).

And it is baseball season. So fuck you Boston Red Sox, Atlanta Braves, New York Yankees, and Cleveland Indians. All y'all are bitches. Oh yeah and fuck you Victor Zambrano. You're a bitch too.

I was thinkin. Purdue's gonna be fuckin weird. That's all.

Wait, here's my favorite commercial. Watch it! Not to be gay but it's kinda cute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAygS78-DyE&search=punky%20chips

Morbid

2006-04-19T12:17:00.000-04:00

http://www.mydeathspace.com/deaths.aspx

Very strange. Very compelling. The suicides are the most chilling of the bunch.

Crawl On Out

2006-04-17T01:17:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep so it's time for some more psychoanalytical introspection. Weee. Aren't you excited?

Today, my family all agreed on one thing...that I'm a manipulative bastard. My reaction: whaaaaat?! Weird thing is that they meant it as a compliment. As in, "See you're manipulative so you're gonna get far in life." Seriously, am I manipulative? I really don't think so. It's not like I use people up to achieve my own ends. Hell, I'm anything but that way...I got a deep fuckin sense of loyalty and respect. Which is something I wish I could say about so many people...but, of course, I can't. Well, I guess I should take what they said with a grain of salt since they are my family and they have a skewed perspective of who I am.

Here's something I absolutely hate: I keep on underestimating myself. Honestly, I'm a fuckin idiot like that. It's like I need people to remind me of my strengths and my potential because I can't do it myself. It's not the end of the world but it certainly is irritating.

On Friday (which, by the way, was an excellent night even though nothing really "happened") I met this kid for the first time and he just looked at me once and said, "You don't have a bad bone in your body." I just kinda laughed. See, he's a pretty crazy motherfucker and I have no idea how serious he was being but I'd like to think it's true. I like bein reminded of my badassness, plain and simple. And that's unfortunate because it's my ego at work. Actually, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing that I'm so deeply obsessed with myself. It's always nice when it works to my advantage but it can be a bit tiring (mentally as well as physically) when I feel like I need to be the best at everything I do.

I'll leave you bastards with this...

boy wit the fire (10:51:17 PM): i love watchin people get beaned
boy wit the fire (10:51:34 PM): when it's the other team it's like haha owned
boy wit the fire (10:51:41 PM): when it's your team it's like nice we're on base
phil0surfer (10:52:03 PM): when you're on the team it's like where's my knife

HA.

Music: AFI - A Single Second

Rage Against the Facebook!

2006-04-11T19:40:00.000-04:00

Hi,
The group Say No to Creepy Ho's has been removed due to a violation of the Terms of Use.
Continuing to violate the Terms of Use will result in termination of your account.

Facebook Team

Okay, it's official. Facebook is garbage. =)

But yeah, I do have pictures of my mohawk on there. And on my Myspace as well. They're bad, I took em when I was tired and a mess and I'd just got home from work. I was just happy to finally have access to the camera.

In a slightly entertaining turn of events, someone at work tried to get me to model for some shit. But I ain't gay like that so I was like uh...no. I guess I do have the ideal body type for it though.

Speaking of work, it KICKED ASS today. Here's something that Winston, my boss, is doing aside from the Rocawear stuff. He's making a couple of his own clothing lines, one of which required me to go shopping and buy stuff (distressed, crumpled, ripped kinda stuff). That's right, I basically hung out downtown for a few hours and dropped about $700 of the company's cash on clothes.

Okay, boring entry. The end.

Music: Mobb Deep - Shook Ones, Pt. II

Baseball + 99 = 14.8 Jillion

2006-04-09T18:31:00.000-04:00

Killin Faces (7:24:57 PM): hey xavier nady is leading the nl in batting average :-D
phil0surfer (7:25:27 PM): "the shark" as my brother and i renamed him last year
Killin Faces (7:25:43 PM): ha why?
phil0surfer (7:25:47 PM): seriously that guy looks like a great white or probably a white-tipped-reef shark
Killin Faces (7:25:51 PM): yeah
Killin Faces (7:25:53 PM): he really does
Killin Faces (7:26:04 PM): i think it's his nose
Killin Faces (7:26:12 PM): very shark-ish
phil0surfer (7:26:37 PM): have you ever contemplated the sheer water-dynamacism of his face?
Killin Faces (7:26:44 PM): hahahaha

Can you spot the difference?

theStarryDynam0 (6:22:09 PM): question three
theStarryDynam0 (6:22:19 PM): what day is my birthday?
Killin Faces (6:22:34 PM): uhhhhh
Killin Faces (6:22:35 PM): fuck
Killin Faces (6:22:41 PM): that was recent
Killin Faces (6:22:59 PM): feb 24? :-D
theStarryDynam0 (6:23:05 PM): aa, close
theStarryDynam0 (6:23:08 PM): feb 15.
theStarryDynam0 (6:23:16 PM): iwould also take "the most awesome day of the year"
Killin Faces (6:23:20 PM): HAHA

In the spirit of baseball season, here's another one.

Can you spot the difference? Part two!

This time it's Adam Dunn of the Cincinatti Reds and Will Ferrell.

Killin Faces (6:48:55 PM): i don't think i wanna see adam dunn naked
phil0surfer (6:49:30 PM): yeah
phil0surfer (6:49:32 PM): if he was gay
phil0surfer (6:49:52 PM): he'd have to wear the one-piece pajamas with the ass-hatch all the time
Killin Faces (6:49:57 PM): LOL
phil0surfer (6:50:07 PM): so he could have relations without getting naked

And here's why Myspace is so amazing...

germfreemma (7:35:01 PM): i just added humpty dumpty too
Killin Faces (7:35:09 PM): oh god
Killin Faces (7:35:22 PM): it's nice to see you're finding myspace to be so useful
germfreemma (7:35:36 PM): holy shit
germfreemma (7:35:41 PM): i just found helen keller
Killin Faces (7:35:44 PM): LOL

Music: Doctor - Jealousy & Hate

TBM Edition

2006-04-08T17:56:00.000-04:00

Doug, Jon, Greg, and James came into the city on Thursday night for the Birthday Massacre show. Truly excellent shit. I loved the venue (to the point where I'd go back there even if there was only a moderately decent band playing).

1. The Birthday Massacre are one of my favorite new live bands.
2. There was a really creepy black guy who hung out in the bathroom the entire time. He had napkins, candy, gum, and toiletries neatly set up all around the sink area. He told me about how much he still loved me. Oh golly. Very creepy.
3. There was some other (non-creepy) guy that hit on me at the show. Why do I almost exclusively get hit on by guys? Do I look gay? Seriously, I get hit on by guys about ninety-nine times more often than I get hit on by women. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?! Goddamn.

Anyway, post-show we chilled on some brews (to quote Jaddy Jadster) at my apartment. All in all, it was an awesome night.

We (no James this time though - but Kim, Devin, and Joe were there) showed up to the second Birthday Massacre show on Friday. This venue (show was in Long Island this time) wasn't nearly as straight up kick ass as the Crash Mansion. Bastards didn't even let me put my feet up on the table. Bastards indeed.

Anyway, so how were the Birthday Masssacre?

I have no idea. Some stuff happened so I chose to hang out outside while they were playing their set. I didn't mind it at all because it was a beautiful night out and it wasn't like I was gettin bored by myself - Kim was outside as well for a little while and then Jon showed up and took her place when she wanted to see the show. So either way there was someone to hang out with.

Now, one last thing. Why the hell would anyone call a grilled cheese sandwich a 'cheese combination?!'

Music: David Banner - Lost Souls

1, 2, 3...

2006-04-04T18:23:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why posted them there to begin with but I made three journal entries in my Myspace blog that, well, I enjoyed reading sometime after. It's kinda weird how I actually get something out of writing in my blog(s).

PART 1

I'm not sure why I'm apologizing about this but I feel like gluttony is something I should feel like I'm sorry for. The thing is most days I have a massive ego. Massive.

(and when it isn't like that, I feel like total hell)

I'm serious though. The other day I was kinda depressed about something. At the end of the day, I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like damn. I'm pretty. And I felt okay again. Well I only get to be pretty about three days a week (other days I'm forced to rely on other facets of my being). Mostly because I'm too lazy to shave. lol.

Anyway, I think the point is it's gonna be fun when something really bad happens again and rocks me into reality. See, that's why this is a problem. Gettin shocked into hell.

And my ego has everything to do with my ultraselective, semi-minimalistic nature but I shouldn't even get into that.

I wonder if everyone else is as self-analytical as I am. Or should I say self-obsessed? Fuck it, I'll try to stay positive.

PART 2

Damn. I can't sleep because I think too much. But then who needs sleep? I'll be fuckin shit up tomorrow regardless.

Anyway, I do realize that my previous entry made me look like a giant prick. But I already apologized for feeling untouchable so you should probably go to hell. Or fall in a ditch. Whichever you're more comfortable with.

Looking in again, as [logically] complicated and driven by circumstance as my personality is, I think there's one (maybe the only one?) generalization I can make about myself: If you act like a jackass/ho/scumbag/etc, I'm gonna treat you like one.

Honestly, I don't know why anyone who reads this blog doesn't hate me. lol.

PART 3

Remember when I said that there are days when my ego isn't going through the roof? And that those are the days when I feel like total hell? Well this is one of those days.

I guess this makes me manic depressive? I dunno. The idea seems ridiculous. I don't think it's a damn chemical imbalance. It's not like I don't know why I get depressed when I'm this way. I know exactly why I do every little thing and feel every certain way. I know what triggers every little bit of me and I can go back years with this. So no, I don't think I'm manic. I just have hurdles to overcome. Just like everybody else. I think the difference is that other people manage to avoid such close self-examination and thinking about these things.

And by the way. Last Sunday night I'd taken a bit of Xanax before going online. I don't actually remember what I said but I get a feeling that I may've been a dick to some people. Anyway, I'm sorry about that regardless of whether I meant it or not.

I don't think I've ever had a song nail my feelings toward life so perfectly. So perfect that I had to transcribe them myself. "Doorway" by Wiley.

I got pain that's never gonna go away
This pain is here to stay
but still I'm on the road to success
That's the other side
Take a bit of rough with the smooth

It's alright
Life's like a big round ride
I'm tryin to learn about life
It's hard

I'm hurtin inside
I'm burnin inside
but one good thing - I'm determined inside
while my heart is workin in cycles
If I can be loved then I could love back
Part of my unhappiness is that
cuz I don't roll around family and that
cuz I'm on my own

If you can't see then wipe your eyes and look forward
Can't you even see that we are blind to ourselves?
Change your ways

It's In My Head

2006-04-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

Home again. I'm exhausted but here's a quick entry before bed. Seeing that my life is smeared with nostalgia, it's only fitting that I'm seeing The Birthday Massacre (possibly twice) this week. Here's "Video Kid." I'm an advocate for lyrics as nothing more than textural accompaniments to a song but this transcends the idea altogether. Partially inane and partially beautiful but entirely gripping.

Next phase, next craze, next nothing new.
Got the pretty boy beat him up black and blue.
Broke the sissy boy's teeny toy heart in two.
Turned him into a video kid like you.

I know you're just pretending.
There's no window for mistakes.
I know you see right through me.
There's no promise left to break.

Shot the pretty boy killed him on commodore.
Need a new game, need a new something more.
Got a new face got a new way to score.
Got a voice like something I've heard before.

The message is misleading.
We're lying, we're cheating.
We're only repeating.
The motions preceding.

Listen Up, Take a Step Into the Future

2006-03-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sometime this morning Loren, Christina, [the girl who's name escapes me at the moment - sorry, I'm horrible with names], and I had a little "conversation." If you can call it that.

Someone said something like, "How can anyone expect 18 - 21 year old kids to be responsible and go to college? All we wanna do is fuck around because after this life just goes downhill."

All I could really say was, "No way, baby. 25 is when I'm gonna peak."

The thought of that really made me smile. If I play this right, I'm gonna be flooded with money and oppurtunities. The present is only preparation. I gotta keep reminding myself of that. I think I allow myself to get upset too easily and don't think to future enough. It's bright as hell but I gotta remind myself there's only one way of gettin there.

And how's this for oppurtunity? I landed myself a job at the graphics department of Rocawear. I'm getting decent pay (about $350-$450 per week) and I have a chance to make even more through commission if they allow to me to work sales. I'm lovin this.

Now, only if I could erase the past...the reminders are just useless now. Detrimental, if anything.

And by the way, the girls were reading horoscopes from the newspaper. Mine went something like this...

"Today, you don't fuck with Nakul. If you do, you best be prepared for a serious thrashing."

Well, that was the condensed version. Haha. Anyway, as much as I loved it, it didn't come true. =(

But wait, there's still an hour left in the day. Yeaaah.

Killin Faces (12:11:21 AM): what's wrong with god?
TeddyBananaFish1 (12:11:36 AM): he has the plague
Killin Faces (12:12:01 AM): aw poor baby :-(

Bombardment of Saturn

2006-03-28T23:44:00.000-05:00

Why is Nakul so happy? Was it his kick ass weekend?

Well, my weekend certainly was excellent but just take a look at what's got me really giddy of late...

New Streets single. Album coming out soon.

Two new Vex'd tracks.

Same with the Digital Mystikz.

Ghostface Killah's AMAZING new album.

"Duppy" by Skepta. I can't wait til I find a download for this fucker. I'm such a lil fag - I got the song on my Myspace and I keep listenin to it off of there. The lyrics are retarded but the beat is so killer.

Statik's grime/indie rock mixtape.

In Flames put out their best album since Clayman.

Kode9 & The Space Ape totally fuckin up Dubstep Allstars, Vol. 3.

Full lengths from Burial, Boxcutter, Benga, Wiley, and Cam'ron all coming soon.

Daaaaaaaaaamn. This is seriously gonna be an awesome few months.

And by the way, I got a lip ring kinda recently. Pictures are up on my Myspace. For whatever reason I look like a fuckin drughead in those pictures. Oh well.

I think I'll leave you suckas with a simple question. Why am I always hungry? I eat so goddamn much. So why am I not fat? Okay, that was two questions. Go die.

One last thing actually, here's my and Sean's outlook on life...

Killin Faces (1:29:02 AM): it's lame how good shit like that happens when even worse shit is goin on
Soon Enuf Says (1:29:13 AM): HA
Killin Faces (1:29:14 AM): it's like nothin's ever just right
Soon Enuf Says (1:29:21 AM): nah its like eggs
Soon Enuf Says (1:29:24 AM): they can never be right
Soon Enuf Says (1:29:41 AM): you know the bacon'll be overcooked, the the eggs are too gooey
Soon Enuf Says (1:30:01 AM): life is like getting a egg sandwich from a deli you've never been to
Soon Enuf Says (1:30:12 AM): fuck that box of chocolates bullshit thats too optimistic
Soon Enuf Says (1:30:26 AM): you never know if you're gonna be satisfied or get the shits lol
Killin Faces (1:30:42 AM): HAHA
Soon Enuf Says (1:30:43 AM): thats my outlook on life, runny eggs

Lovely.

Look, I Don't Care Who You Are

2006-03-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

I'm on the floor
I'm on the floor
What am i doing?
I'm down

But get up off the floor

Get
Up
Off the floor

Pick
Yourself
Up

Pick yourself up
Get up
Stand up

Dust myself off
Realize i'm someone
Yeaah

Wiley. Love the bastard.

Anyway, here's Nakul's (third person, bitch) current reading list.

(Y The Last Man: Paper Dolls by Brian K. Vaughan)

Music: Dizzee Rascal - 2 Far (Feat. Wiley)

My Boy Freddy

2006-03-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

theStarryDynam0 (3:02:56 PM): nakul, you like black men. tell me about frederick douglass
Killin Faces (3:03:02 PM): lol
Killin Faces (3:03:08 PM): uhhhhh
Killin Faces (3:03:10 PM): he's black
Killin Faces (3:03:12 PM): and old
Killin Faces (3:03:13 PM): like
theStarryDynam0 (3:03:15 PM): clap, clap
Killin Faces (3:03:23 PM): when he was 8 years old
Killin Faces (3:03:29 PM): he was a very old man
Killin Faces (3:03:33 PM): he's been old all his life
Killin Faces (3:03:39 PM): betcha didn't know that!
theStarryDynam0 (3:04:48 PM): thanks
theStarryDynam0 (3:04:51 PM): ill put it in my paper
Killin Faces (3:04:55 PM): lol
Killin Faces (3:04:56 PM): DO IT
Killin Faces (3:04:59 PM): seriously
Killin Faces (3:05:07 PM): just to see your professor's reaction
theStarryDynam0 (3:05:42 PM): eggggh
theStarryDynam0 (3:05:46 PM): i like grades!
theStarryDynam0 (3:05:49 PM): but not the bad ones
Killin Faces (3:05:56 PM): oh
Killin Faces (3:05:59 PM): that's sad :-(

Another nice conversation...
Soon Enuf Says (4:16:12 PM): i love good scratching
Soon Enuf Says (4:16:22 PM): ever since i was like 10 and i heard "what i got" by sublime
Soon Enuf Says (4:16:28 PM): ive loved scratching
Soon Enuf Says (4:16:38 PM): i didnt know what it was until i was like 13 though lol
Killin Faces (4:17:11 PM): so it was just that weird squeaky sound until then?
Soon Enuf Says (4:17:32 PM): baisicly lol
Soon Enuf Says (4:17:42 PM): i thought it was somebody playing with their zipper lol
Killin Faces (4:17:45 PM): LOL

And, of course, everyone loves Busta...

Killin Faces (4:38:06 PM): being gay for busta
Killin Faces (4:38:12 PM): it wouldn't make me gay would it?
Soon Enuf Says (4:38:34 PM): uhhh im not having this conversation lol

Music: A Gun Called Tension - Hero (No, it isn't fixed yet. I'm using a CD player).

There's No Mystery Left

2006-03-19T13:26:00.000-05:00

I contemplated deleting the below post but I decided against doing that. I guess sometimes (not very often though) things hit me really hard and I end up feeling that way. I don't think there's much of a point in hiding it. I suppose I may be tragic in some ways but that's okay. This story isn't over and I'll be on top in the end. I've proved to myself that I'm damn near perfect - which is something that can't really be fucked with. Sure seems like some people are running out of things to criticize me for.

Music: Music? What music? The part of my computer where I plug in my speakers is broken. How fucked is that?!

Forget it, I give up

2006-03-17T05:27:00.000-05:00

Or better yet, I'm a pathetic loser who doesn't know when to give up. I'm never good enough for anything. Fuck it, I hate myself. I hate my life. It's what everyone wanted to hear, isn't it?

Restart?

2006-03-11T10:23:00.000-05:00

Last night started out well enough. I went out to dinner with my family to one of my favorite restaurants, Serafina. Excellent Italian place downtown. Yeaaah, I really enjoyed my meal - bruscietta, lobster ravioli, filet mignon in a red wine sauce, and fruit with champagne for dessert. I fuckin love food.

It's all good right? Nah, not really. See, we're in deep debt and near bankruptcy but my dad's been trying to put this deal together to fix things up. He's been working really late, sometimes til 2-3 in the am. My mother apparently can't handle this and they ended up getting into the biggest fight I've seen them involved in.

This shit bothers me A LOT. Call me weak or whatever you may, but I absolutely cannot handle it when the people I love start fighting. It happened last year around this time (not with my parents but you know...) and it drove me pretty crazy. So let's just hope things work out okay.

What about my personal life? Well, I was forced to throw away something I loved but I'd be lying to myself if I tried to hold myself accountable for this one. I finally said what I had to without giving in and, yes, it hurt a bit but life goes on and I'd rather not see her again. There were too many lies and too much hypocrisy (a good portion of which I didn't see until recently) for me to put behind so easily.

I've also become a lot less trusting than I once was. Letting my guard down with her was probably my biggest mistake. I took her so seriously when she said she loved me but it wasn't enough for her when the boy she supposedly loved fixed his problems and was ready to make things okay again. I'm sorry but I can't help but think she lied when she said that to me. I really did love her and I can't say I didn't try my hardest. There was a small window of oppurtunity which would've allowed this to work but now it's closed. It's all done and there's no going back. It's too bad I was made to throw everything away.

I'm pretty bothered about the fact that she's friends with most of my friends at school. This makes me uncomfortable and I'm really preparing for the worst. But I'm hoping for the best.

Music: Jamie Lidell - Multiply

Don't Fuck with the Music

2006-03-07T03:47:00.000-05:00

Sean made an excellent post about hip-hop and music in general and I feel it necessary to respond to some of the points he brought up. Well, this isn't so much of a response but it's never the less inspired by that post.

I've found that the most interesting music can only be found when looking deeper than mainstream white American culture. This includes punk and indie rock as they've been swallowed by the societal standards for safety. Now this isn't to say that all rock music is boring (it certainly isn't). Or to say that hip-hop, for example, is wildly experimental.

"Sooner or later, you're going to get sick of power chords. Sooner or later you're gonna get sick of the same four line chorus's about 'that girl that doesnt notice me' or 'sniffing glue all day' or even rockin the fuckin casbah."

There's the problem. It's simply a lack of progression. Rock musicians are generally traditionalists who want to play it safe rather than move ahead. There was a time when rock wasn't at the forefront of modern pop music and that was when it thrived (late 50's to late 60's). And whether you believe it or not, to this day, rock as a genre remains synonymous with pop music. I don't remember where it was that I read this but a recent analyzation of college kids' (who, along with other teenagers, are arguably the dominant audience of modern pop) musical tastes showed the stranglehold of rock music on mainstream culture. Most college students listed a ton of rock bands in their favorite music sections of their Facebook pages. Most of those who listed hip-hop failed to name any artists. Common sense dictates that, presumably, these are the people whose musical appetites are satisfied by the latest hip-hop singles on TRL.

The late 50's to the late 60's. This was when most traditionalists didn't give rock music its due respect. A good portion of them failed to recognize it as "real" music. We've seen hip-hop go through the same thing. Hip-hop went through a creative and artistic boom between [approximately] 1985 and 2000. It's naysayers have had a similar attitude towards it as many critics had for rock & roll in its early years. The easy explanation is that pop music moves in cycles. But I don't believe it's that simple. I think part of the problem is racial stigma. Rock didn't gain true mainstream acceptance until it made its conversion to respectable white music. Ya know, before that it was made by a bunch of dumb niggers. The cultural differences in hip-hop and rock are keeping hip-hop from reaching this kind of mainstream respect. It's black people talking about their problems in their own way of speech. I've noticed that when music deviates from the norm, in the eyes of everyday people, it becomes "stupid."

Eclecticism in musical taste is very underrated. There's a wealth of great shit if you look beneath the surface. And I'm not just talking about black music. For example, you can check out the metal (a lot of it being very interesting avant-garde sorta stuff) that's coming from Scandinavia or all the different types of urban music from the UK (dubstep, grime, hip-hop, bhangra, mid-90's jungle/drum n' bass). Things get boring when modern pop becomes obsessed with a single style. It's been guitars and verse/chorus/verse structures for the past thirty years. To make things interesting again, that's what you should look away from.

I know this post was full of broken and half-fleshed out ideas. But I'm tired so I'm using this as an excuse. Anyway, I hope anyone reading this gets the gist of what I'm trying to say.

Music: Ice - Skyscraper

Always Breakin Things

2006-03-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

Here is a message from Sean in regard to blogs:

"Most people are just like 'so i went to starbucks today and the guy like TOTALLY got my order wrong and then i went back and i think he spit in my drink but i dont care because i already have hepatitus a thru c, so anyways i went to school and math was like SO hard so i smoked some crystal meth in the bathroom and then made some easy money letting some niggers run a train on me in the bassment.'"

The moral of the story? Bloggers are twats.

Oh yeah...I SUCK. I visited RDB's (RDB are these really great bhangra producers/DJ's from the UK) website in search of a tracklist to one of their compilations. What do I find on their splash page?

THIS!

So this has to happen the one semester I'm not at school? Yep, I'm definitely gonna break something.

Okay, I have nothing else to say. What a fucking waste of an entry.

Music: Northern Lights - Janaab (Feat. AKA Nobody)

It's the Truth!

2006-03-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

Hey, suckas. I did something with my weekend for the first time in a while. Let's hope I keep it up and quit stayin in so much. Regardless of whether or not I've gone out much the past few weeks, I really like how I'm progressing.

On Friday night, I met up with Dave and some of his friends downtown. All in all, it was a pretty good night which ended with a drunken Dave trying to exit my apartment by walking into my bathroom and then passing out on my floor. Last night was also fun as Kim was in the city. We got dinner at a very good Tapas bar and hung out for a while. And today? Let's hope my Dad takes me out to practice driving.

If there's one person I want to be when I grow up, it's Riley Freeman:

LOOK AT HIM. He's such a little badass. He'll stick you with a shank before you realize what's going on.

Physically, at the moment, I feel kinda hellish. I didn't sleep all that much on Thursday or Friday. And I couldn't sleep for more than three hours last night. Now, if someone doesn't hook me up with decent blinds for my room, I will not hesitate to break EVERYTHING. Fuckin hell, I'm sleeeepyyyy.

By the way, do you want to buy me something? Of course you do! Well, here's an excellent suggestion. A vinyl copy of Quality by Talib Kweli. Seriously though, all of you bastards should download the song "Get By" off that album. It's, without a doubt, Kanye West's best production. And probably one of the top ten best produced songs I've ever listened to.

Alright, let's end this waste of an entry with Nicole being a badass again...
theStarryDynam0: you know what ll cool j stands for?
Killin Faces: ladies love cool jays!!!!!!!!!!
Killin Faces: haha
theStarryDynam0: jason aint it?
Killin Faces: nah
theStarryDynam0: SUCH A BAD NAAAAME
Killin Faces: it's jays
Killin Faces: seriously
Killin Faces: he's a total twat
theStarryDynam0: it makes me want to punch him
theStarryDynam0: i didnt get chocolate. we have fruit gummies that taste amazing
theStarryDynam0: i mean, ll cool j looks annoying as it is
theStarryDynam0: all the more reason
Killin Faces: hahaha
Killin Faces: i bet ll likes fruit gummies
theStarryDynam0: anything fruity trust me

No, it doesn't stop there...

theStarryDynam0: haaa yup :-P
theStarryDynam0: yup as in yuppy puppy
theStarryDynam0: teehee
Killin Faces: oh my god
Killin Faces: that might've been the gayest thing i've EVER heard
theStarryDynam0: hahahahahahahaha
theStarryDynam0: yea, it might just be gayer than ll cool j cockgobbling
Killin Faces: haha yeah
Killin Faces: just slightly though
theStarryDynam0: thats an acheivement
theStarryDynam0: usually you cant get gayer than that
Killin Faces: haha yeah
Killin Faces: oh ll
Killin Faces: make love to me
theStarryDynam0: thats pretty gay. thats gayer than ryan seacrest and a pair of hot pants
Killin Faces: who's ryan seacrest?
theStarryDynam0: hes the host of american idol
theStarryDynam0: gayest man this side of chicago!
Killin Faces: oh!
Killin Faces: that guy
theStarryDynam0: yeah
Killin Faces: i'd pay to watch him get it on with my boy ll
Killin Faces: ;-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-);-)
theStarryDynam0: GROSSS
Killin Faces: hahahahaha
theStarryDynam0 wants to directly connect.
theStarryDynam0 is now directly connected.
Killin Faces: are you sending me a video of them?!
Killin Faces: GETTIN IT ON?!?!?!??!
Killin Faces: =-O=-O=-O=-O=-O=-O=-O=-O=-O

LL, BABY!

Music: A Tribe Called Quest - What

Aim High

2006-03-01T06:49:00.000-05:00

EDIT: I reread what I'd written and concluded that it, for the most part, was incoherent drivel. Leave me alone, I wrote it when was half asleep. Anyway, here's an attempt to revise it...

I'm bleeding ink, baby. This shit ain't never gonna stop. Nah, seriously though. By the second half of last year, I had absolutely no inspiration to write in this thing but now I can't stop. It's nice having feeling back in my life, kicking that numb state I was in into hell.

Oh shit, I'm listening to "Sunshine" by Boxcutter. It's a dubstep track. An excellent one at that but this baby's got some nice ass jazz horns (remember, I usually HATE horns) and they sound fucking beautiful. This may very well be the perfect morningtime song. Well, it's up there with the Velvet Underground's "Sunday Morning." Ahh, I think I'm gonna listen to that next. Whoever thought xylophones could be so beautiful...

"Sunday morning
Brings the dawn in
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning
Sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all

Sunday morning
And I'm falling
I've got a feeling I don't want to know
Early dawning
Sunday morning
It's all the streets you crossed, not so long ago
Watch out the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all"

"Sunday Morning." Simple yet so evocative and effective.

Alright, before I got sidetracked by the goddamn music, I was saying that it's really nice having feeling back in my life. It would've been nice if it didn't come prepackaged with so much pain but hey, I've always had to make sacrifices and this isn't any different. Initially, the pain really didn't have anything to do with the feeling. It was something that came a little while later. A shock to the system, really. If it wasn't for this pain, I'd be really fucking high on life right now.

Much like how I'd felt two summers ago but, damn, maybe it'll come back some other time. I know that time isn't now but it may very well be closer than I think. While I wait for the high, it's so important for me not to give in. Not to let this destroy me. I can't say I haven't been tempted because it really would be the easy way out to let the pain completely take over and kill my motivation. Yeah, I feel like a sucker for putting my trust where it didn't belong, believing things I never should've believed, and just plain allowing myself to be preyed upon. I've spent the past month and a half feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed. But it's not the end of the world. Of course it hurts like hell but I have no wounds that time won't heal. And I don't hold grudges. Period. I hope this isn't any different.

Yes, this does have it's advantages. And for that I'm thankful. It actually reminds me of something I read on Sean's Myspace yesterday. I'm gonna hunt it down...

"I am thankful for those who stuck by me even at my worst and even more so I am thankful for the ones who walked away from me when I needed them the most... hi haters!"

Why should I be thankful? How can this possibly be advantagous?

For one thing, it's allowed me to take an objective stance while looking back at the past year and a half. Allowing me to see things for what they really were. And honestly, I don't feel like it's anyone's goddamn business but my own. If you feel absolutely compelled to ask me what this is about, go ahead, I'm not gonna bullshit you. But posting it on the internet for everyone to read is entirely unnecessary.

Another advantage is that I have an unwanted but newfound sense of freedom. There are the obvious things many people do with this freedom but that it isn't at all what interests me. Rather than walk the road of quiet desperation, it seems like my mind is using it to create a brand new path which is just unsettling enough to keep me on an edge. A certain amount of discomfort keeps me aware and motivated. There certainly isn't anything wrong with that.

Finally, and most importantly, it leaves me a stronger and possibly a more cautious and clever person. It's all about picking yourself up and making yourself move again. All while remembering to avoid what caused you to fall down in the first place.

That's how things would go in a perfect and idealistic world. Unfortunately this world is anything but that. I will definitely relapse and maybe make some bad decisions or do something stupid. But that's all a part of getting up and moving on through this.

When I find that high again, which I will one day, the fact that I'd have survived this succesfully would only make it that much more wonderful.

People are right - I guess the root of the problem is falling in love with something I shouldn't have loved in the first place. I should have let it go while I had the chance. And yeah, it was an excellent chance. I felt like I'd ended it once and for all but I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible for her. There's no way I could've been harsh about it. Well, I should've been because my sympathy allowed me to get sucked into it all over again. I should've listened to my friends more when it came to these things. To an extent, I shunned them and ignored what they said. It's something I did the entire time I went out with her. To put it bluntly, I chose her over them. But they were right all along. And now that this chapter has come to an end, my relationships with my friends look like they've been revitalized and I learned that they really did give shit. They said what they did because they knew that it was right for me and not because they were benefiting from it. I chose my poison over them and for this I'm really sorry.

Music: Cyrus - Indian Stomp

The Divine Nemesis?

2006-02-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really feel the need for some ear-piercing black metal. Fucked up atmospherics, razor sharp guitars, you know the deal. It's quite relieving actually. Go download the album "Nemesis Divina" by Satyricon. Untouchable. This is the music responsible for getting me through a good portion of high school. Frequently, during the school day, I'd throw on my headphones and let the music take me over, putting me in an almost trance-like state. It was beautiful. How can music so venomously hateful be so beautiful? Buried deep within the layers of harsh distortions are slow, warm melodies flowing about with the capability of opening up every emotion inside of you. Not to be trite or anything but I guess I can liken my experiences with black metal to finding the diamond in the rough. Beauty is always that much more beautiful when you're forced to search for it.

Oh...there's something I should expand on about yesterday's post. Arrogant and stubborn music fans aren't limited to the ones who listen exclusively to the Top 40 hits. This also applies to every hipster idiot who refuses to listen to anything on the Top 40 or the radio. Just for the record, Britney Spears' Toxic is about 18.6 times better than the latest Mogwai or Minus The Bear album.

Nicole and I talking about Lady Sovereign and Coldplay...
Killin Faces: you know jay-z signed her to an american record deal?
theStarryDynam0: and now were not gonna stop hearing her
Killin Faces: nahhh
Killin Faces: i doubt she'll take off in america
Killin Faces: like no foreign artists do well here
Killin Faces: except coldplay
Killin Faces: but they shouldn't even count haha
theStarryDynam0: theyre not even people
Killin Faces: they're little monsters from the dmb school of suckin ass
theStarryDynam0: no they come from no school, they come from rocks, because they are not human
theStarryDynam0: rocks and SHIT

I don't think I've heard anything in my life that's so blatantly truthful.

Music: Satyricon - Mother North

Taste in Music vs. Personality

2006-02-27T16:57:00.000-05:00

Interesting discussion on Dissensus right here.

So here's what I have to say about my own musical tastes...

Yes, I'm very pacifistic but I could say that I'm also a fairly angry person. Hmm? Well, I've talked about this before. Angry music releases tension and makes me a happier person. So I should say I'm not an angry person because the angry music I listen to reflects the opposite of my character.

One poster claimed that "the factors which determine one's musical preferences are less individual/personal, and more economic. In other words, the kind of music one likes is less telling of one's personality per se, than one's upbringing and social status."

"The neighborhood you were raised and live in; the education level of your parents; the kind of kids you grew up with; what you do for a living; how much you make; and maybe most important - how much leisure time you have."

"These things explain what you listen to FAR more than some nebulous romantic idea of 'personality'."

I agree almost entirely with this assessment and here's my response:

I've moved five times in my life so I feel like a good portion of my eclectic musical tastes come from this. Another important factor in the diversity/eclecticism is culture. I lived my first ten years in India and since then I've lived in predominantly white neighborhoods in the US. All my time in America, I've played the role of the outsider no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing. Race was (and still is) a real killer; it always made things far more difficult than they should have been. Stuck in this mess, I found myself at a clash between trashy white culture (and no, I'm not attacking white people so don't take it the wrong way), traditional Indian culture, middle-class white culture, and upper-class Indian culture. I think this is a sufficient reason for the eclecticism. And at the very least it left me friendless and lost, which also meant I had plenty of time to myself; plenty of time to sit down and listen to music for hours on end. It explains why I'm not just very nitpicky about the quality of my music but the sheer QUANTITY of good shit I have at my disposal.

"People who have superficial relationships to music, i.e. people who listen to obvious artists on commercial radio, like what they like because it's available to them. and if given more time, they would have the chance to delve deeper."

I'm not so sure I agree with this. I think these people are the way they are because of...

Fear of experimentation and lack of patience: There's too much shit going on in their lives for them to become so preoccupied with music that they would potentially have to waste time with stuff they may or may not like. Well, it isn't so much a lack of patience as it is a lack of time. People simply don't have the time for music. People aren't stupid for liking DMB or Chingy. Nor are they stupid for being culturally unaware.

Now, the kind of arrogance these people display when it comes to defending their music...that's stupid. Why does everyone feel the need to act like they know everything about music?
Is it that hard to accept that art isn't entirely subjective and that there might be people who simply know more about a particular art form than you do? I don't go about claiming to know and understand everything about visual art and cinema (i.e. French New Wave, Kurosawa films, etc.) so why does your average 50 Cent fan claim to know everything about music?

I'm not quite sure...

Oh, and if you want to argue my bit about subjectivity in music, you should probably read "Of the Standard of Taste" by David Hume.

Music: Burst - Where the Wave Broke

The Fakest Blog Entry in the History of Fakeness

2006-02-27T02:50:00.000-05:00

DJ Skrasms: say something cute
Killin Faces: my peepee hurts
DJ Skrasms: that's not cute!
Killin Faces: i thought it was :-
I think the Chronicles of Narnia rap may possibly be the funniest thing in the world. I've seen this thing a bunch of times and it still makes me laugh.

Here's my favorite quote on emo/emocore garbage:

"All you are is nu metal hitting puberty. There's still stupid guitar moves and facial expressions, and false sincerity just destined for Livejournal, but instead of songs about parents not understanding you, it's about girls not liking you. The musical revolution is here!" - Some writer for somethingawful.com

The Purge

2006-02-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

I deleted a lot of music from my computer last night. Stuff I don't listen to and stuff I never really liked to begin with. Here's a list of the garbage that's leaving my recycle bin real soon:

Boy Sets Fire - In Chrysalis
Boy Sets Fire - The Day The Sun Went Out
Boy Sets Fire - This Crying, This Screaming, My Voice Is Being Born
Their later alt. rock-ish crossover albums are much better. As a result I never really bothered with this stuff.

Bryan Ferry - everything
His solo stuff is cheesy yuppie crap. Doesn't belong on my computer.

Built To Spill - everything
This is one of those indie bands that releases album after album of complete and utter mediocrity.

Catch 22 - everything
99% of ska/punk makes me cringe.

Cap & Jones - everything
"Eclectic" DJ mixes really aren't my thing.

Cat Power - everything
Elliot Smith and Iron & Wine are enough. Don't need another one of these artists.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
"In This Home On Ice" is an excellent song but the rest of their stuff is overrated, pretentious crap.

Collide - Some Kind of Strange
An industrial bands that actually looks interesting on paper. Too bad most of their songs are boring drivel.

Cream - everything
Anything by Cream that isn't "Sunshine Of Your Love" is guaranteed to bore me to death.

Crime In Choir - everything
A pretty good neo-prog band but I just can't see myself listening to them.

Cursive - The Ugly Organ
I refuse to get into why I'm deleting this.

Deadsy - Commencement
Deadsy dress really well. But that's about it for them.

Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism
Terrible and trite lyrics coupled with cringe-worthy vocals. I can't deal with this.

Dillinger Four - everything
Mediocre pop/punk.

Discharge - everything
Every song is EXACTLY the same shitty song.

Electric Six - everything
Terrible band. Not much more to say.

Elton John - everything
I love "Tiny Dancer" but everything else by him just doesn't hit home with me.

Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
Sorry, I just don't like it.

Fox - Fox
This is probably the worst album I have ever heard in my life.

Hatebreed - Under The Knife
Hatebreed are alright in my book but an EP full of demos? No thanks.

Head Automatica - everything
They got Dan The Automator producing this thing. That's definitely a plus. But convinced that everything Daryl Palumbo touches automatically turns to shit.

Horrorpops - everything
Boring psychobilly. With an emphasis on boring.

Jet - everything
This band is nothing beyond their singles.

Kaiser Chiefs - everything
See Jet.

Killingbird - Killingbird
Tired old hard rock band.

Lionel Vinyl - everything
A little too high on the kitsch for me.

Love - everything
They're not bad. I just don't like them.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - everything
They're Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Magnus Uggla - everything
He sings pop songs in Swedish. I'd rather not bother.

Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
Marilyn Manson - Holy Wood (Shadow Of The Valley Of Death)
Marilyn Manson - The Golden Age Of Grotesque
The only album of his that I like all the way through is Mechanical Animals. The release of his greatest hits album means I no longer need any of this stuff.

Minikomi - everything
Honestly, I can't even remember what this is. Haha.

Mount Sims - Ultrasex
I HATE electro, electroclash, whatever the fuck you want to call it.

Muse - Absolution
This just isn't a very good album.

New Bomb Turks - everything
Boring punk revival band.

Queens Of The Stone Age - Songs For The Deaf
Everyone's so high on this band but I'm just not feelin em.

Rush - everything
Notice how every 70's prog rock band sounds exactly the same?

Sadistic Mika Band - everything
See Rush.

Sahara Hotnights - everything
Boring garage rock.

Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water.
I honestly can't imagine myself actually enjoying this stuff.

Social Distortion - everything
They irritate me.

Symphony X - everything
They're actually a really good band. But I can't get into em.

System of a Down - everything
See Social Distortion.

Tad Morose - everything
They sound like every other power metal band ever.

The Chesterfield Kings - everything
The original garage rock revival. 80's bands trying to sound like 60's bands. Yeah, they pulled it off but the 60's bands were so much better.

The Faint - Macabre
The Faint - Wet From Birth
A shitty band that had one good single? Goodbye.

The Fleshtones - everything
See Chesterfield Kings.

The Mummies - everything
90's garge rock. Same deal though.

The Warlocks - Phoenix
Meandering neo-psych rock.

Weezer - Maladroit
Latter day Weezer. Do I need any other reason to delete this?

Whitesnake - Slip of the Tongue
Really cheesy stuff.

Xiquet - Musicalbear Dancehall Mix
I already have all the dancehal mixes I need.

Yeah Yeahs Yeahs - Yeah Yeah Yeahs EP
The crappy mastering on this EP really ruins it. Better versions of these songs show up on later albums anyway.

Your Enemies Friends - everything
Very disappointing considering how good they were live.

Zwan - everything
Billy Corgan, you are an idiot.

That may have been the biggest waste of time in the history of the world.

Music: Ultramagnetic MC's - Give The Drummer Some

Bound & Gagged

2006-02-22T03:38:00.000-05:00

Nile's "Lashed to the Slave Stick" is one of the best straight up death metal songs in years. There. I said it.

Not having the option of writing my nagging thoughts onto blogs is incredibly frustrating. It doesn't matter what the reason for not being allowed to do it may be. The fact remains that it leaves me shackled.

I'm almost like a melodramatic fourteen year old when it comes to these things. That, in itself, is a little odd considering my dislike for melodrama. Yes, I really do dislike it (it's unnecessary, vain, much too self-absorbed, and maybe even a little selfish)...I may not hide my emotions but, most of the time, I do a great job of keeping to myself.

With that said, whenever I feel strongly about anything, I feel the need to share it with as many people as I can.

Huh? Contradiction?

Well, let's put it this way. Always keeping things bottled up in the mess that's everyday life is very unhealthy. Now, I'm a bit more comfortable with writing things here. I'm not encroaching onto anyone's private space, nor am I using force to get my point across. Whoever stumbles onto this thing can choose whether or not to read it.

Blogs work well as a means to the purging of negative thoughts. At the moment there's a bit of indecision and conflict in my head that needs to find its way out. And yes, I'm well aware of the presence of vanity in such actions. Here is a situation where vanity may not be entirely acceptable, but I believe it is excusable.

Okay, time to start writing about bullshit...

Isn't it nice when 'why' turns into 'what the fuck?' Yeah, I'm definitely more comfortable with the latter. I've always been too curious for my own good but, as uncomfortable or unsatisfying they may be, answers are answers. They're the ultimate tools in the pursuit of knowledge and the ability to grow.

If there's one thing I've learned in my nineteen long years, it's that instinct is something that should never be payed any attention to. Use it only when you're left without a choice. Not thinking things through is an invitation for trouble. Crash and burn. Sure, not going with your instincts may cost you an oppurtunity or two but going with them will cost you a lot more. I learned it the hard way. Doing what "feels right" (instinctual behavior) points directly to narcissism and irresponsibility but I should probably hold that thought for now. But I will say that learning that the earth doesn't revolve around me was a rewarding experience. Liberating even.

[the above paragraph isn't one of my "original" ideas, ha, it's something that was brought to my attention after a talk with someone]

A common misconception people have about me is that I hate everyone. I really don't. I give everyone a fair and equal chance to do their thing and never, no matter how much I dislike someone, do I treat someone like shit. Not without good reason, anyway. But even then, it's a difficult thing for me to do. Things get complicated when I tap into this little "talent" I have. I'm very good at figuring people out. Right off bat, sometimes. Let's say I'm right about nine out of eleven times. The problem is that doesn't take me too long to figure out that most people are full of shit. They aren't meant to be taken literally and, very often, they're putting on a show as a means to assimilate themselves into the wretchedness that is society. And no, don't argue this with me. Society is wretched and from day one we are taught to lie, cheat, and steal to get to the top.

Even the most "real" people wear masks of some sort. And I'm not an exception to this rule. But these people, generally, believe in honesty. It's what makes them stand out. Nothing else they do or say makes any difference at all. I don't care who you are...if you're an honest person, you're a worthy friend. Lies, on the other hand, are completely unacceptable. I feel that they, like anything else, can be forgiven but will always be frowned upon. Remember that Ghostface Killah lyric I posted here a few days ago? Read it again and remember to be honest with yourself and everyone else.

Here's something...who actually, deep down inside, believes all the things they say; all the things they tell themselves?

The answer: no one.

It's interesting how that discussion taught me that they're exactly the same. Carbon copies, literally. That's comforting in its own way.

Music: Burst - Mercy Liberation

P.S. - My desktop is a picture of a cement truck. Why? Because cement trucks are BAMFs. Bad Ass Mother Fuckers. Like Nightcrawler.

Swept Away

2006-02-21T01:24:00.000-05:00

Let me make one thing clear...the previous post (the bit about fighting and what not) wasn't directed towards any one person. Read it carefully and you should be able to figure that out.

Anyway, I don't feel like I have a whole to write about tonight but here we go...

Right now isn't so great. It's still another three weeks until spring break (March 10, I believe?) and I have nothing to do with my free time. So I just have to tough it out and keep my head in check and I'll be okay by March. I'm very excited for spring break. Jono's gonna be stayin over for three nights and that's gonna be fun as hell. I don't know where I stand with someone else that me and Jono had a lot spring break plans with so that could be potentially awkward. Well, I can only hope for the best and that we will continue to be friends.

Here are my top five songs for the week:

1. Amit - Village Folk (Jungle/Drum N' Bass)
2. Wiley - WD25 (Grime)
3. Minor Threat - I Don't Wanna Hear It (Hardcore)
4. Wu Tang Clan - Wu Tang: 7th Chamber, Pt. 2 (Hip-Hop)
5. Common - Be (Hip-Hop)

Clan in da Front

2006-02-18T23:41:00.000-05:00

People need to calm the hell down and quit fightin. Honestly, what the fuck are you fighting for? I seriously don't have it in me to get angry anymore. So, if for whatever reason you're pissed off at me, calm down and think about it first. Thought about it? Okay. Now, if you still have a reason to be mad, you should probably do you what you must to me. But I can only hope you've calmed down and you want to actually talk about it.

I'm not looking to piss anyone off and I'm sure as hell not looking for a fight.

I really, really wish some people could just take the edge off. Go have a drink or smoke a joint or punch a wall or whatever. Do whatever you have to. Just chill.

Personally, when I'm upset, I listen to angry music. It's a purging process that pushes all the bad vibes out of me. I listen to a lot of it because it's easy for shit to get all bottled up in me. So I turn up some Minor Threat, heavy metal, or grime and let it all flow out. And before you know it, I'm feelin good again.

I think it's really interesting how that works. I'm a pretty chill person. I mean, I was like that even through my bullshit period (although I was on an edge around October-January - but that was a relatively short period of time). I couldn't really be that nonchalant about everything, right? There were plenty of terrible things going on around me. Well, that's what I needed the music for. Instead of being angry all the time, I was just chill.

Now, it's time to take that a step further. You want the world to stop being so shitty? Push positivity. And no, I don't mean being irrationally positive. Just keep an open mind about shit and be more accepting. Don't be a cynic. But of course, skepticism is still very important. There's a lot of bad shit out there and it's necessary not to buy into any of it.

Yeah, I'm tired as you can probably tell. I've been semi-incoherently rambling on about crap.

EDIT: Alright, I ain't done writin yet.

FUCK. I am SO excited about going back to school. Too bad it's siiiiiiiix long months away. Shit, no one's got any idea how much ass my life is kickin right now. It's only gonna be that much better when I can spend it out of the confines of my home.

But the best part is this: I'm gettin the hang of bein single again. Yeah, shit, I still like her and all that buuuut it ain't for me and right now I don't even want it. Shit's gotta be way different for that to work again. In terms of behavior, feelings, everything. So yeah, the odds are really stacked against it happening again. It don't matter. I can deal with bein single. In fact, it's what's good for me right now. In a strange way, I'm kinda excited about the idea. And no, this is not my way of sayin, "Hey, I'm gonna go out and fuck bitches now." That just ain't my way of doin things. It's my way of sayin, "Relationships are fuckin screwy as hell and I don't need one to fuck with my life right now." And they sure as hell ain't a game to me. I don't do random hookups or none of that shit. I don't do anything unless it's gonna be something serious. Yeah.

You see, as I'm gettin my shit back on track, I NEED to be single. It keeps me goin. Gives me my added spark, ya know. And a relationship at the moment will only fuck with what I really gotta do.

Alright, get this. I went to the mall the other day. Since I locked myself up, it was the first time I was out of the house for so long. About 8-10 hours. Yeah, that's not bad in itself. But what I loved was that not ONCE did I feel uncomfortable or none of that. God, I'm lovin the progress I'm makin. Obviously, not everything will be perfect right away. Right now all that matters is school and keeping myself healthy. Everything else will fall into place over the next year.

Call me cocky, I don't care. I'm confident about what I can do. I have potential to do a lot of shit and I've finally learned how to mold it into something real instead of throwing it away.

Oh and by the way, I've a newfound love for being a vague bastard. Ya know through away messages, Myspace, whatever else. I got my goddamn heart on my sleeve (I'm NOT gonna control that) but hell, it ain't gonna be that easy.

Killin Faces: i wish we could play
Killin Faces: lots and lots
Garble Snarky: too sick to play
Killin Faces: :-(:-(:-(:-(:-(what's wronnnng:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
Garble Snarky: face infection
Killin Faces: lol
Killin Faces: poor poor alan
Garble Snarky: i woke up on wednesday with holes in my throat from bacteria eating it
Killin Faces: shoulda had a fight with the bacteria
Garble Snarky: did
Garble Snarky: my weapon was vodka
Garble Snarky: i won

"Shoot you in the face and get around da corner. Like Yoshi and Toad."

Grime lyrics are such assholes.

Music: Skepta - Fuckin Widda Team

This Crazy Life Thing

2006-02-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've changed. People don't believe me and they think it's all talk. That's fine. No one's ever really believed in me. I've proved them wrong before and I'll do it again. Effortlessly. It's not like I consciously tried to change, it was just a matter of getting some shit straight and the rest of my life fell into place.

How could I change so quickly?

What they don't understand is that this isn't that much of a big deal for me. Up until the very end of eleventh grade, I had full control of my life and it was definitely heading in the right direction. I got sidetracked by one small insecurity that eventually ate up my life. That's all there was to it. Once I eliminated this insecurity, I got my life back. I really didn't do something so amazing in "changing." I think people feel that getting over this insecurity is a long and arduous process that should take me years. Nah, it just isn't like that. If you're turned off or are skeptical about how "quickly" this happened, I don't know what to tell you. It's not like I sat down and said, "From now on I'm going to believe in these things and do these things and that's how it is because I'll make myself do it." No. My thoughts and beliefs simply reverted back to where they were about three years ago. I didn't try to push them in any direction. There really isn't that much for me to say on this topic, you'll see the changes for yourselves.

Someone, sarcastically, told me that these changes make me "theoretically perfect." Obviously, this person doesn't really believe this is true. But, I'm sorry. I couldn't help but laugh a little and take that statement as compliment. You see, here are things about myself that I know are true. What this person basically said to me was, "There's no way this is for real because if it was, you'd be perfect." How can I not take that as a compliment? But anyway, I don't really believe that I'm perfect because there are still plenty of things I'd like to achieve in my life before I even come close to perfection.

For one, thing I would like to be utterly selfless and rid myself of all worldly possessions. I believe selflessness is the path to inner peace. I would like for this to happen one day. But will it happen? Probably not. As of right now, I have too many materialistic tendencies that will prevent this from happening but it won't kill me to try a little.

Well, that's that. I think I've explained myself enough and people shouldn't try to dig too deep in my mind. You'll be disappointed when you come out empty handed. You're not going to find any alterior motives (which are essentially lies - something I hate) or anything of that sort. I'd become what I hated in the past...do you really think I'm going to let that happen again? I'm wearing everything on my sleeve and what you see there is what I am. If you can't believe me, my thoughts, or my feelings, that's out of my hands. I'm only willing to go as far as honesty will take me.

I think this is more than appropriate:

We got to keep it real with reality and reality will keep it real with us
I remember them good ol days
Because see, that's the child I was
What made me the man I am today
See cause if you forget where you come from,
You're never gonna make it where you're goin,
Because you lost the reality of yourself
So take one stroll through your mind
And see what you will find
And you'll see a whole universe all over again
and again and again and again and again

- Ghostface Killah, "All That I Got is You"

Atoning for the Sins of a Life Past

2006-02-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't discovered god. Fuck that.

But the last couple years (actually closer to three - the downward spiral started in spring '03) of my life have been a roller coaster ride. Without all the cool shit. And the fun. Alright, so it was more of a train wreck.

Shit really came crashin down last semester. Sarah stuck with me all the way and she went through a lot of shit because I kept fucking up. Gotta give her credit for that.

At the end of the semester I decided, with her help and influence of course, that I needed to take some time off during the spring semester and stay home for a bit. That's what I'm doing now and everything is turning back around for me. Remember me through early high school? Well, most of you probably don't. But anyway, I was a really nice kid, I had my head on straight, and performed extremely well academically. I wasn't the half-assed prick I eventually turned into. But hey, I'm back to normal again and it feels great. Except this time around I'm not that dorky.

But things between me and Sarah didn't turn out like I wanted them to. To cut it short, we're still friends but we're no longer together. It's been a little rough but this is the part where I suck it up and go on with my life. I know I fucked up and I have every intention of fixing the problems I caused while I was retarded but I can't keep sulking about them and making a wreck of myself. For the rest of my life, I do have plans for success and I'm determined not to let anything get in my way. I can't. This is my second chance and fucking up is not an option.

Relationship-wise, the wounds are very fresh and will take damn near forever to heal. If I'm not getting what I believe is the best, I'm not settling for anything else. Why be with someone if you don't really care about them? So for the time being, girls are off my radar because there're too many important things to take care of. That doesn't mean I'll ignore girls completely. I mean, if I stumble onto something with someone I actually like (which is rare) or if something good happens with Sarah, I'll go through with it. But I'm not counting on anything and I'm certainly not gonna get my self worked up about these things anymore.

Music: Dizzee Rascal - Do It

Life is Movin Faster Now

2006-02-02T04:55:00.000-05:00

"People don't have a problem with conscious rap; they have a problem with conscious beats. If you make some ignorant beats, you can say all the smart shit you want." - Chris Rock

I posted a pathetic entry a couple days ago. Sorry about that shit. It's gone now.

Sometimes I really love myself, ya know? I'm too fuckin vain...
...gotta go check myself out now.

Ha. Time to stop bein stupid.

Guy #1 walks into a room with a peculiar lookin scar.

Guy #2: Hey man, what happened to your arm?
Guy #1: I got bit by a shark.
Guy #2: A LOAN SHARK?!?!?!?!??!??!

I lied when I said it was time to stop bein stupid.

Anyway. It's five in the fuckin am and I still ain't asleep. Got the jitters. Ya know that shit...a little bit of excitement, a little bit of anxiety. A lotta bit of wakey fuckin wakey.

So here's the shit I gotta do in the near future. Only because you care so much:

See a dietitian and figure out how to gain about fifteen pounds.

Practice driving a lot. So I can get a license by summertime.

Register for a pre-calculus and a calculus class at NCC. For May and summer, respectively.

See an optician and get me a fancy ass pair of contacts. What color? I'm thinkin of a dark blue. Something subtly interesting minus the flash. Watcha think?

See the dentist.

Visit my grandparents in India. It's been forever.

Finally get FL Studio 6 and start makin music. For real.

Remember to go to the next Dub War show.

Go out and find someone else and maybe get the fuck over "her." Over time it'll happen...but I won't get over her entirely, know how these things are? And then finding someone shouldn't be a problem. Finding someone that I like, finding someone that sticks? Ahh shit. Wishful thinkin.

I guess my life's back after what? A two year hiatus? So most importantly, it's time to START FUCKIN LIVIN AGAIN. Never gonna let shit get in my way again.

Enough of this now. I got way too many goddamn hobbies. I gotta ditch em and make time for more important shit. Like my PS2? Shit ain't goin back to school with me. Comic books? Ain't gonna read more than three or four. That's nothin. Really. Sports? I'll watch a game once in a while but that's it. Booze? Yeah, that was a fuckin hobby. Shrink my drinkin habits down to nothin. Maybe drink once in a while during the weekends. That's it. Music? Fuck. Shit ain't goin nowhere. It's been a driving force behind my life. Always will be.

Lastly, Paul and I started our own music blog: Kickin Hell. And it does exactly as advertised. Check it.

Lest I forget...

One way. Always.

"Doin' Crystal Meth..."

2005-12-01T06:34:00.000-05:00

I'm makin a new goddamn entry you cunts.

Von's, my favorite store around here, caught fire last night. That sucks. A lot. Fortunately most of the record section is okay but in an absolutely disastrous turn of events the basement (the fuckin comic section!) was flooded and won't be opened for months, if at all. Now I'm seriously gonna have to switch to trades.

I suffer.

Well, my turntable came in a few weeks ago and it's so goddamn pretty:

Technics SL-1200MK2PK. Beautiful.

The First two records I bought were Big Black - Songs About Fucking and Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea.

I can't wait til I get a decent pair of speakers for this thing. But that'll probably a while. Another month or so at the very least.

Oh yeah. I saw Opeth at the House of Blues in Chicago about a month ago. Great, great show. Probably the best I've ever been to but the ride into to Chicago made me wanna die. I had to pee real bad but we were stuck on highways and shit for a pretty goddamn long time. I shoulda peed out the window. Also, during the show some douche bag tried to bowl me over after I left the pit. Blindsided me like a twat. So Paul fuckin elbowed him in the spine. So goddamn tough.

I made a 90's mix CD a few hours ago. It's sweet as hell...

1. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
2. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's
3. Seal - Kiss From a Rose
4. Collective Soul - Shine
5. The Cardigans - Lovefool
6. Better Than Ezra - Good
7. OMC - How Bizarre
8. Toad The Wet Sprocket - Good Intentions
9. Collective Soul - The World I Know
10. The Wallflowers - One Headlight
11. Verve Pipe - Freshmen
12. No Doubt - Don't Speak
13. Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
14. The Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache
15. Sister Hazel - All For You
16. Third Eye Blind - Jumper
17. Oasis - Wonderwall
18. Del Amitri - Roll To Me
19. The Verve - Bitter-Sweet Symphony

The Jets' season has been a wreck. They've had about 84 injuries and gone through about 94 quarterbacks so it's just a matter of bad luck. Oh well. Quite sad though. Anyway, I think they should drop the rest of their games, get a top five pick in next year's draft and pick Matt fuckin Leinart. Yeah. Because Chad Pennington will probably break in half again. And everyone else sucks.

I haven't done this in a while. My favorite comic book cover of the week:

Fuck You.

2005-11-23T01:34:00.000-05:00

Hey, you goddamn cunts, conflict in thoughts and interests are preventing me from making an entry. Someday I'll make a new [real] one. Fuck you.

Music: AFI - The Days of the Phoenix

Yay Life Boring

2005-10-13T09:06:00.000-04:00

I'm bored.

I woke up at around 1 am today and read something like three hundred pages of Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, finishing the book. Kicked ass. Best one yet. The one before it sucked so much though. Made wanna stick a wrench into my skull.

Speakin of wrenches in skulls, I gotta go to stat class in about two hours.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"Hey Nakul, have you done anything cool lately?"

"No. Fuck you."

So what have I been doing?

I had a gay stat test on Thursday and a gay linguistics test on friday. They were both gay. Obviously. You retard.

Hm. That got me thinkin about homophobes. I hate them. A lot.

I hate religious people too. And I hate the concept of god. THERE'S NO SUCH THING. IDIOTS.

But I do like Penn & Teller's Bullshit. Such a clever show.

I think everyone should download "Internet Going Nutz" by Paul Wall. IT'S ABOUT FUCKIN INTERNETSSSSSSSSS.

Anyway, back to what I've been doing...

I don't remember what I did on Friday or Saturday. I probably got drunk but I don't remember. But I do remember drinkin at Cary on Sunday. I kept grabbin bottles of Smirnoff, drinkin about half of them, and pouring the empty half with vodka. It tasted like utter filth but, man, it got the job done.

Earlier that night, Raj got caught (by an RA) walkin down the hallway with a bottle of Smirnoff. He tried to convince the RA it was water. So smart.

On Monday I watched the Sox/Angels game with Sarah and got drunk again. I finished about half a liter of vodka. It was glorious. I felt slightly shitty on Tuesday though. Oh well.

I make good entries. Fuck you.

Music: Dominik Eulberg - "Brenzlich, Brenzlich" Dachte

Wolverine is in My Fucking Anthropology Textbook! YEAH.

2005-09-25T19:33:00.000-04:00

Now, it's time for me to make post while I'm not in giant-prick-mode. Which is a fairly rare occurrence. Yep.

The past few days have been pretty hellish because of the excessive amount of work school is forcing me to do. I have two big tests, that I've been studying for, on Monday and a ten page draft of a fifteen page paper due Thursday.

Last Friday wasn't so bad though (except for when I had to go to Target and spend $150). I got hammered at Jaddy's and played some X-Men Legends II. I was slightly unimpressed by the game, probably because I was pretty drunk, had a headache and wasn't really into playing it. I'm gonna buy it anyway though...I'm sure I'd love it even more than the first one if I played it sober.

Speakin of drinkin, I only drank once last week. It was kinda weird.

Anyway, back to games. I watched Jad play Ultimate Spider-Man for a little while. It looked fantastic. For one thing, the cel-shaded graphics looked a hell of a lot better than I thought they would. But this was totally cool: very strong dialogue & a coherent storyline (courtesy of Brian Michael Bendis) which, judging by my experience, is a rarity for videogames, playing as Venom, and fighting fucking Wolverine in a boss battle. Completely nuts.

I was going through some of the old pictures on my computer and these were a few that caught my eye...

Scroll down.

Keep goin.

A little more.

Almost there.

Yeah!

11th grade Wednesdays. Doug and I had driver's ed a few hours after school. So what did we do to kill the time? Got high at Romi's. There's Dave being a retard and me just kinda sittin there and buggin out.

Remember that really cute hat? Yeah I miss it too.

Me huggin Avino like a drunk bastard.

Drinkin vodka straight outta the bottle. Bitch.

Artsy fuckin picture.

With Ashley and Sarah (when she had stupid short hair). My long hair made me look too feminine. Bleh.

With a Corona and a buncha kool kats at Cary.

How awesome was that hair? Godddd.

Nakul > You

2005-09-20T16:00:00.000-04:00

Life's becoming monotonous again. This is retarded. And annoying. And it would help if everyone wasn't a boring retard. But now I'm askin for too much. What a buncha fags.

Now that I've started an entry I guess it'd be a good idea for me to continue talking about pointless shit.

I'm supposed to be playin in laundry right now. But I'm not doin it. I guess Sarah won't be happy about that. Sarah? Yeah, both of our laundry. Sarah's laundry? Yeah. Don't like it? Fuck you. I'll kill you. Seriously. I hate you.

I guess I'll talk about my day. It was gay but there's nothing else to say so I'll talk about my day. HOLY SHIT. FUCKIN RHYMES.

Anyway.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night and woke up at 10:30 pm. So I stayed up, read some old Stan Lee/Steve Ditko Spider-Man shit and did my gay ass annotated bibliography for my ENGL 203 class. It pissed off so much. Citation is the worst thing in the world and I hope whoever came up with the idea gets a bullet in the balls. If they have a vagina they just deserve a beating with a metal bat because bullets in vaginas mean tons of blood. And bloody vaginas are disgusting.

Okay, now I'm sick of talking about my day. Because having to do stupid shit pissed me off. Now thinkin about pissed me off again. Fuck.

I wanna fuckin sleep. But no...I have to do shit. Fuck you.

You know what else is sucks?

Every time Jeff and I find someone cool to hang out with, they stay cool for like five minutes and then they decide, "hey, guys, I'm gonna be a stupid faggot and start suckin." Yeah. Fuck you.

I'm gonna do something no one's gonna care about because they're stupid. I'm gonna rate shit I've bought recently.

MUSIC:
Bloc Party - Silent Alarm Remixed [7/10]
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema [8/10]
The Stooges - Fun House (Reissue) [10/10]

Comics:
Frank Miller - Ronin [8.5/10]
Stan Lee & Steve Ditko - Amazing Spider-Man Masterworks, Vol. 1 [7/10]

I bet everything you bought sucks. After tonight, I'll be sober for four nights in a row. Fuck.

Hott bitches should always be naked.

Music: All music is gay and pretentious so fuck that shit.

Sigh

2005-09-06T00:37:00.000-04:00

Well, how the fuck has my first week at school been?

It hasn't completely sucked, much to my surprise.

My room is fuckin gorgeous. It's an extremely spacious single with a private bath and air conditioning. Even before I moved in and got to decorating it, it was aesthetically livable: fully carpeted, lots of lamps, and, shit, a fucking painting hangin on the wall.

For the most part, my classes suck dick. The only ones that can even hold my attention are ENGL 267: World Lit. 1700 to Present and LING 315: Phonetics. I think I'll point out the problems with all my classes.

ANTH 204: Intro to Human Evolution
It's ridiculously boring and there's way too much emphasis on the lectures.

ENGL 267: World Lit. 1700 - Present
The material covered is way too Eurocentric for a world literature class. There're plenty of non-European works in my text book but we won't be reading any of them.
The professor looks like she's about to drop dead. She's probably over ninety years old.

ENGL 203: Research Professional Writing
It's easily the most mind-numbingly boring class I've ever attended.
I can't opt to not show up whenever I feel like it. After my first three abscences, my letter grade will start dropping for every time I don't show up.
The professor has fucked up teeth. I hope they get knocked out.
The class is like a congregation of freaks. This is what happens when you pack a class with a bunch of weirdos and disgustingly ugly people.

STAT 113: Statistics in Society
See ANTH 204.

LING 315: Phonetics
The TA is a disaster. She's always confused, wastes time talking about stupid shit, and looks like she's about to start crying.

And how's Indiana? Hasn't changed a bit. It took me a whole two minutes to get disgusted with this place and most of the people here. To put it bluntly, they're stupid. I've been dealin with it and, for the most part, I've been pretty damn nice. I haven't treated anyone like shit yet. Score. I guess I shouldn't be so harsh on Indiana people. After all, people in New York are just as dumb but more aggressive.

Life is extremely frustrating. Everyone is retarded and everything is boring. I want to drink.

Music: Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass (brilliant song - go listen to it)

100 Beats Per Minute, Baby, Don't Mean Shit To Me

2005-08-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

MSI are fucking brilliant. Don't even try to deny it.

Some douche bag on Jeff's journal claimed that they're "style over substance." Yes, MSI, rely on shock tactics but, damn, they do it so fucking well. And they integrate it perfectly into their music - it's not even the least bit forced. No one, in music, delivers one-(or two or three)-liners as effectively as Little Jimmy Urine.

It's the little thing in my pants that we're all waiting for
I never really knew what that thing down there was used for.

Genius.

And what about the music itself? Find me another band that can seamlessly weave together elements of hip-hop, jungle, punk rock, industrial, and, to a lesser extent, heavy metal into such an easily digestible product. Guess what? YOU CAN'T.

Now here's something they've done on their newest album, You'll Rebel to Anything, moreso than anything else - grabbed a bunch of extremely hooky melodies and interlocked them into single songs. And, god, it works so fucking well. I'll say it, MSI are definitely one of the most melodically advanced bands out there. But I have to admit I was ever so slightly disappointed when I first listened YRTA. I wanted something closer to their previous effort, Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy. What I got, instead, were actual songs. Frankenstein Girls was almost entirely made up of one to two minute distortion soaked breakbeat ejaculations. Fun stuff but their new album is the proper evolution of the experiments on Frankenstein Girls. After about a good nine thousand times I listened to YRTA, the subtleties stood out like the fat chick on the cheerleading team. Listen to the beginning of Bullshit. It starts off with this little mid-paced, almost tribal sounding, beat that most danchall artists will their sell their souls to replicate. This album's packed with such moments of brilliance.

MSI are so fucking clever.

So, seriously, even if you try to tell me that MSI aren't a good band, I will kill you.

Just Ramblin

2005-07-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

'Sometimes' by Kano. He asks himself (or the listener?), why is it that his fans adore him? What makes him so special? What makes his rhymes better than those of a million other rappers? After all, he's just an average dude that lives a [relatively] average life: sleeping, watching television, the works. Nice little song. First, I'm impressed that there actually exists an MC who is humble enough not only to bring himself "down" to the level of a "normal" person but to avoid the repugnantly gluttonous self-glorification that plagues so much of hip-hop (and related genres) today. It's refreshing.

The real smack in the head was how it evocatively crept itself into the center of this boy's feeble little mind. Really got me thinkin. What is it that makes anyone so special? Maybe it's how they sell themselves to a world that awaits them with open arms. Or let's take the other route and say it's how they raise themselves, head and shoulders, above all the other beasts destroying oneanother for mere morsels of meat, thus earning the always yearned-for but always evasive POWER AND RESPECT. You can look at both ends of the spectrum, and everything in between, and say to yourself, "Yeah, it makes sense. All of it." So let's delve a little a deeper into this toilet bowl of a thought and ask ourselves, "All we have to do is take but one of these paths and we'll be well on our way to receiving our deserved (yeeeah, everyone thinks they deserve it....and, hell, they probably do) love and respect. Right?"

So anyone can be 'so fuckin special?' It's that simple? It's too soon to tell...

Mybloodyslowdivenirvanadriver

2005-07-16T12:59:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna listen to 90's music because everyone's too busy rediscovering the 80's. Fuck everyone.

Don't you think that's a good attitude?

Listen to Kode9. He makes the best grime/dubstep mixes around.

There's nothing to write about.

Music: Slowdive - When The Sun Hits

Choking The Momentum

2005-06-28T15:30:00.000-04:00

In the past I've tried to use blogs as a means of purging a sewer of guttural thoughts from my mind. Sometimes it has worked; sometimes it hasn't. I don't know whether it's something I should continue trying to do or not. Maybe I can deal with shit some other way.

I thought about it. Until I realized that the only person I can really talk to is Sarah. Not that it's a bad thing that I am able to talk to her but I shouldn't talk only to her. She is my girlfriend after all and she thinks of me much differently than any of my friends. I need to have someone on the "outside," so to speak, someone I can communicate with (but not necessarily confide in; I don't think I have anything to hide...although I have trouble being confrontational with people, I try to make sure whatever I say to them does indeed get back to them).

I'm frustrated.

Around this time last year, I was breathing a newfound air of positivity and tried to make everything work. Everything, obviously, won't work because such is life. But I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things that didn't work out for me. My first year of college, which, for most people is a lovely time, was a hair short of being a total disaster. The circumstances I had to deal with were extrenuating and out of my control but could also have been blamed upon the timidity I'd developed as a result of trying not to be a cynical fuck. There's one thing, more than anything else, that I don't want: to be treated like shit. I became too forgiving and I may've cared a little too much.

I need to start looking out for myself.

Right now, I only feel broken and trampled all over. Murphy's Law seems to've embedded itself into almost every area of my life and I'm fairly close to giving up again. But I don't think I will. If there's anything that I've learned about life it's this: without the downs there would be no ups. I assume that this is what's still driving me.

I haven't been this angry in a long time. It might just be the kick in the ass that I need.

And, dammit, I hate making an entry like this. Makes me look like a weak, ungrateful, angsty little kid who's looking for people to sympathize with him because he hasn't yet figured out how to grow the fuck up. I wish I didn't constantly contradict everything I believe in and everything I'm trying to be.

Music: The Replacements - Answering Machine

Bullshit 101

2005-06-13T00:35:00.000-04:00

My summer, for the most part, has sucked. Why? My friends. Well, most of them anyway and I'm not naming any names. But seriously guys, grow the fuck up.

Is it really that hard to stop constantly bickering about each other? Is it so hard to stop doing something that's obviously pissing off someone else?

No, it isn't. So fucking stop. Stop acting like you're in fifth grade.

And no, you're not perfect so stop acting like you are. Not everything you do is correct. Not everything you do is right. Quit pushing your lifestyle and philosophies onto the rest of your friends and expecting them to follow them like scripture.

And if your arrogance is so out of control that you can't do as little as spend an hour with someone and not piss the hell out of them, fuck it. I probably shouldn't waste my time with you.

I'm really sick of this constant back and forth bullshit that seemingly everyone is taking part in.

So much for just hangin out and having fun, right?

Music: Venom - Raise The Dead

Change?

2005-06-08T22:03:00.000-04:00

I think the dial on my freak-out meter's pointing very close to full blast. Unfortunate, yes, but it's livable with. I'm not depressed at all but I've been really paranoid. Feels kinda like someone's clutching my throat and rippin my guts out at the same time. It' s wonderful. Nah, not really, I want Xanax. I'll feel fine then. But yeah, all I really want to say is thank you to everyone (especially for Saturday morning) who's been supportive and that I really appreciate the help. Hopefully I'll get over this in time.

Sooo on a more positive note, I started working today. Well, it's somewhat positive. I'm gettin a shitload of excercise (hey, I walked about five miles today), I'm learning quite a bit, and I'm making a decent amount of money given it's an internship. Now, this is not my idea of a productive summer. Prior to starting my job I was sitting around, reading, listening to music, playing guitar, watching movies, etc. These are the things I love; they're mentally (and emotionally) stimulating activities that, I think, everyone should partake in. Nothing wrong with being a glutton when it comes to art. It shouldn't be a surprise that such a lifestyle is more appealing to me than the standard wakeupgoworkcomehomegotobedisms that most everyone over twenty-five seems to live by...I place a higher standard on the arts over anything else. But anyway, I shouldn't dwell on the negative aspects of having to work. I'm sure there's much for me to learn and there's just a lot of the world (and life in general) I'm not seeing yet because of my somewhat-unhealthy fetish for seclusion.

Music: Vitalic - Newman

Clarity

2005-06-06T15:08:00.000-04:00

In response to what Jason and Rob said about desire...

I understand what you're saying here but my definition of 'desire' is a bit wider than that. I'm not speaking only of material desires but emotional ones as well. For example: Buddhist monks desire to eliminate desire, am I not right?

This brings me back to what I said earlier: in theory, the elimination of desire seems possible but I can't imagine anyone living without it.

The particle realization thing was only an example I was using to paint an image of someone who's lost all desire. It has nothing to do with my beliefs, nor was it something I was trying to argue.

I guess I should've explained this better in my original post but whatevs. I think I've cleared it up now.

Music: Enduser - Jung N' Base

An Idea

2005-06-03T06:45:00.000-04:00

Is it possible for someone - who's still living, of course - to transcend life altogether?

I guess, theoretically, it is but it doesn't seem likely.

Yeah, I know it's a silly subject to dwell on and along with it comes many a pretense but there's a genuine bit of curiosity on my part.

To clarify what I've said...

There's a guy and, at whatever odd moment in his life, he comes to an understanding with his beliefs and accepts them beyond all doubt. He has faith (in its purest form) in his beliefs. It just so happens that his beliefs help him realize a sort of scientific (I would say it's existential but I figured it isn't really because, to the guy, the unexplainable has been explained) conclusion: that all everything around him, as well as himself, is simply a variety of particles of matter.

Upon this realization, he stops living life as it is and goes out into society and does nothing but observe. He stops all nutritional intake and remains unclothed - because, if all if all he is is a collection of paticles, why does it matter? I guess the result of his behavior would be his getting arrested and thrown into an asylum.

But to truly believe in such a thing wouldn't he have to cancel out every feelings he feels? He shouldn't care for or about living in prison, living in wealth, or even dying - am I right?

I think so but what seems impossible is to throw away the idea of emotion. Actually, every aspect of emotion can be thrown away, I think, except for one - desire. Even the most enlightened - or lowly - form of creature desires an end of some sort. Without an end there can be no means and without a means, can life go on? I guess I should hold that thought for now.

So what it comes down to is this - if it's possible not to want anything, if it's possible to destroy desire within oneself, it's possible to be a living being who has transcended life.

In all probablility, I did an extremely shitty job putting forth my idea/question/thing here but how else can I describe something of this sort in such few words?

Music: Siouxshie & The Banshees - Overground

Writing vs. Boredom

2005-06-01T01:42:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here and I'm pretty damn bored. I wish I had Xanax. Xanax is the greatest drug I've ever had the pleasure of shoving down my throat; it cancels out all the shit that comes along with everyday life and makes me feel totally chill.

I went to bed around eight am (Tuesday) and woke up at six pm. Of course, sleeping at such ridiculous hours isn't gonna make me feel great: for the first hour or so after waking, my right eye was itching like hell. Poor me.

Right now, I'm still trying to acquire all the songs I need to put together my New York punk compilation. It's a little frustrating because some of this shit is pretty rare. I've found pretty much everything I need except for these albums:

David Johansen - From Pumps To Pompadour
Sylvian Sylvian & The Criminal$ - Bowery Butterflies
The Heartbreakers - What Goes Around (Live)
The Mumps - Fatal Charm
Tuff Darts - Tuff Darts!

I'm really looking forward to getting my hands on What Goes Around because it's a live recording of the only gig Richard Hell played with The Heartbreakers before quitting the band. I hear the sound quality isn't great but it should be worth owning for novelty purposes as well as historical value, if not anything else.

While I was looking for some of these albums, I found a user with some really great old blues stuff. I'm still downloading these albums actually: Howlin' Wolf, Muddy Waters, and a Chess compilation. It's gonna be fun.

I finished reading Please Kill Me last night. The end wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be. Wayne Kramer was talking about the benefit concert, for the family of the deceased Rob Tyner, he played with the remaining members of the MC5. It was kinda relieving because it showed that Fred "Sonic" Smith was still semi-functional and not a complete drug-addled freak.

All that was nice and everything but reading about Johnny Thunders deterioration was pretty sad. Bebe Buell (the model) was talking to Thunders about why they never fucked and Thunders told her, "It's not too late." Bebe gave a small laugh but she thought to herself, "yes, it is." His skin looked like patchwork and he was covered in sores and bruises from head to toe. I guess he made use of every vein in his body.

Music: Television - Ain't That Nothin' (Run Through)

Good Times

2005-05-31T04:54:00.000-04:00

Sunday was pretty fun - well, most of it anyway.

During the day, I went down to St. Mark's place with Steve, Dale, and my sister. We browsed through a few shops and I ended up buying a bracelet and two t-shirts (New York Dolls and The Heartbreakers). After the shopping, we ate dinner at a pretty good Japanese restaurant called Dojo's. The problem with St. Mark's is that it's only one street. There's only so much you can do in such a small area.

By the time we got home, my parents were back. So we waited until they left and I took one of my Dad's wine bottles. Wine is disgusting but hey, I wanted to get drunk. As sad as it was, Steve and Dale left around 8:30 pm and I sittin alone at home, feelin a little tipsy. Lucky for me, I got in touch with Loren and Doug and got on a train to Hicksville. We (Loren, Doug, Romi, Frank, Nan, Jess, Lauryn, Devin, Mandi, and this other chick that came with Romi) hung out at Loren's and got pretty drunk. I bought myself a six pack of Guinness to go along with the wine and some of Loren's McSorley's. McSorley's is excellent. Go drink it.

I called Sarah while I was on the train to Hicksville and, strangely enough, she was going to a party there. Nice. My phone was near dead so she suggested that she meet me at the train station and give me a charger. Score. This worked out very well.

Sarah came by Loren's later that night and we hung out for a while. We actually ended up going into the city and getting breakfast. It was nice of her to make the drive.

I found this really cool Johnny Thunders site. Lots of images and stuff but what I really like is the comprehensive discography. Everything's covered and this makes my life that much easier.

Music: Liquid Liquid - Optimo

Relief

2005-05-29T02:42:00.000-04:00

As strange as it sounds, I think I'm enjoying solitude more than I have before. I've been freaking out while I've been around people and that's no good. It's a fairly complex situation I've cornered myself into but I think my current hermit-like behavior is for the best...for the time being, anyway.

Well, today was far disastrous. I had a chance to do things that I enjoy without anyone bothering me about it. I watched Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theatre with my family. My uncle (the one who operated on my appendix) and aunt are visiting from Cincinatti so my mom thought it'd be nice to take them for a Broadway show. The musical was wonderful but it stretched itself out a little too much during the middle section. Oh well. The excellence of the second half made the entire outing worthwhile.

I also watched the first two Star Wars movies (episodes IV and V) with my uncle and dad and I ate a fantastic dinner with my family but I'm tired so I'm not writing.

I guess it was nice spending time with my family for once. Something different.

Music: Blondie - Rip Her To Shreds