shattered glass

i think i've been a crackhead for long enough now and today is the comedown.

i don't know how to better describe the feeling. but it isn't good. oh well. i guess it happens once in a while.

maybe i'm just a little stressed and i want to go back indiana and relax a bit. it really has become home to me.

We Have No Place To Go

Feelings are weird. Hm. I thought about deleting some of my old posts because, at this point in my life, I find them downright embarrassing. But I decided against it because I feel like I'm already too much of a reserved and passive person and, as silly as it sounds, this blog seems to be the only real outlet for certain kinds of expression. That's something I need to hold on to. And build upon, I suppose.

Why Am I Awake This Early?

Lately listening to or watching anything even remotely sad has me on the verge of tears. I've really had to control myself. Last night Glynis used a bunch of words to describe my personality and the only one I agreed with completely was sensitive. Extremely sensitive at that. Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I could be more of a "man" about things but gender roles in general seem to evade me. But it's how I am and I've grown accept it and, I guess, even like it.

Music: Jesu - Walk on Water

Humor

I was thinking about how funny it is that I've changed (improved?) so much over the past couple months. There's so much more clarity in my life yet the confusion still lingers and the strangeness of reality has become almost mesmerizing. More than ever, I'm detaching myself from reality and I don't quite understand how it's or what is happening. But it's a good thing...I hope.

Reading some of the old posts on this blog make me realize how upset and misguided I'd been before and I suppose at this point I should be happy about the progress I've made. If not anything else, happiness has become less evasive. Now the next step is continuing to progress and completely understand life for what it is.

One thing that frustrates me is that I might be too passive. There's so much I want to say but it's becoming exceedingly difficult to express myself...

Well, I understand I'm being vague. but this is the best that I can do.

Here are two quotes I find very relevant to my life at the moment.

"You can laugh. It's kind of funny. Things you think at times like these." - Tori Amos

"There's no point to look behind us. We left the corpse behind. Because flesh is weak and forms break down. They cannot last forever." - Shackleton

Where is Home?

I'm upset/depressed/pissed off for the first time in a week. Or over a week. I don't know. Ever thought about how certain songs can be streamlined into a particular mood? Yeah, well right now I'm Chrome Bitch by Zeromancer.

countrproductiv6
8:30
ugh
8:30
new york is making feel so depressed

blinded220
8:30
really?
8:30
why

countrproductiv6
8:30
i've just been laying in bed all day
8:30
i dunno
8:31
i think it might be that i'm associating a lot of bad memories with this place

blinded220
8:31
what kind?
8:31
girls/family/friends?

countrproductiv6
8:32
a bit of everything really
8:33
i've been relatively happy at school and this is my first time home in three months so i guess coming back was a bit of a shock

blinded22
8:34
oh i thought you were homesick and thrilled to be going back honestly

countrproductiv6
8:34
no, i actually didn't know how i felt about going home
8:38
but i definitely was not homesick

blinded220
8:38
is it at least nice to see your family?

countrproductiv6
8:39
yeah
8:39
and friends
8:39
but there's something about this place that doesn't sit well with me
8:39
it's weird because this is how i used to feel about school
8:39
and i loved going home

Well there you have it. I can't wait til I go back to school...I have no idea how I'm gonna manage for another couple days in this city. I think it's kind of funny. Whoever thought my pro-New York elitism would be washed away by West Lafayette, Indiana of all places?

0. NAKUL IS A GODDAMN RETARD

Important facts about Nakul...

1. He is drunk.
2. Quite drunk, at that.
3. Fuck speaking in third person.
4. I think I've become absolutely sick of what society wants/expects me to be. Not to sound cliched or anything. Haaaaa.
5. So aparrently I'm failing out of school. I guess.
6. I've figured out not to be so hateful. Don't know how I pulled this one off.
7. I've been thinking in a very abstract sense. I mean, seeing shit with a kind of a so-called "unusual" perspective or something. But that's okay. I'm not trying to sound modest or anything. And I'm certainly not trying to sound like a pretentious dick. Because we all know modesty is only a form of prentention. Strange, right? I think so...
8. Anyway, I've realized that all I care about is truth and love. That's all I have to say really.

-(excitement)

Ya know what? I really should start writing in this motherfucker again. But, apparently, I never have anything interesting to say anymore. I suppose life's just that boring.

Oh yeah. I have lung cancer.
Not really. But I like pretending I do.

I saw this crazy jackass walkin around by PUSH today yellin about god and stuff. He was wearin this stupid red t-shirt with "NO HOMOS GO TO HEAVEN" in unbearably gigantic lettering. If I wasn't feelin as sick as I was, I woulda smacked the bitch. It was the perfect oppurtunity for some goddamn vigilante justice but I let my dumb little personal ailments get in the way. Well, next time he won't be so lucky. I'm not really too big on the whole violence thing but some dickheads really have it coming.

In completely unrelated news, as hard as I tried not to, I ended up buying something at Von's. I got this ill ass Siouxsie (as in Siouxsie and the Banshees, idiot) poster. She's bein a creepy goth and starin into the camera all weird. And lookin quite attractive at that. But then I hear I have the worst/most retarded taste in women ever.
I also bought a Beastie Boys tour poster (touring w/ A Tribe Called Quest and the Invisibl Skratch Piklz). It's pretty raw cuz it's got the Beasties in the form of a three headed baby layin (with the weewee hangin out and everything) in front of some weird ass alien chick.

And one more infinitely important thing you guys should know. I was walkin through Wetherill this morning and I saw some dorky lookin chick with a Hogwarts track jacket on. MOTHERFUCKIN HOGWARTS. I didn't get a look at her face but I was like wow, I'd so do her. I'm not even a major Harry Potter dork or anything but there's something inherently cool about rockin a Hogwarts jacket. Goddamn.

Music: Ministry - Faith Collapsing